Conversations with a Superpower (The Power of NO)

Occasionally we see the word NO as a Superpower - we tell our daughters to say 'No' to pressure from boys to go to bed with them too soon, back in the day Nancy Reagan told us to 'Say NO to drugs' and we warn our kids to say 'No' to strangers. In those cases it's a superpower that keeps our kids safe and happy.

Usually we see it as a mean word, a villainous word that we don't like to say to our kids. In fact we'd rather get chips banned from the swimming pool shop for everybody than have to say this terrible word to our children each week. Parents these days seem to go to ridiculous lengths to avoid saying the word, to avoid being the 'horrible' parent.

Somewhere along the line, we've lost our confidence in the word NO. We've become scared of it.

I want you to see the word 'No' a little differently. It's not evil. It's like Captain America's shield. We can stand behind it with confidence and we can us it to protect ourselves and those we love. We can use it to maintain justice and social order.

I grew up in the '70's, and back then, parents said NO all the time. We got used to hearing it, and it made no difference to how we loved our parents, it was just part of life. We'd ask for chips and they'd say 'No'. End of story. The difference, is in the '70's, our parents didn't feel bad about saying no. There was no guilt attached, they weren't obliged to indulge our wishes. There was a pecking order and rules (and usually a lack of disposable income) so the adult could say no to a child and not give it a second thought.

This guilt we have about not indulging our children is a disservice to them. They need to hear the word 'no' without it being something we are uncomfortable with.

So to the parents that want junk food banned from the weekend sports grounds, I say, just don't buy it. The rest of the world doesn't need to be rearranged around your fear of the word 'no'. You need to become more comfortable saying no. If you say it enough with ease, you'll find it a very useful parenting tool.

As children become teens, you will find you will need to say it a lot. You will also find that some children are given freedoms that you don't consider are safe, and you won't be able to ban those activities from the world. You will be the one who needs to make sure your child wears a helmet on his skateboard, when no one else does. You will need to be the one who doesn't let their kid go to the park at 8pm at night with his friends. You will be the one who refuses to buy alcohol for your 16 year old. If you have been comfortable saying no with confidence when they are little, it will help you be able to say no on these other issues, when you feel you are swimming against the flow in this era of laidback parenting.

In his book "Why We Suck" Dennis Leary says "Will your kid hate you? Yup. And here's a little headline for you: your kids are SUPPOSED to hate you. Your kid is your kid - not your goddam best friend. Believe me - they may hate your fat ass now but they will thank you immensely later on....My mom always kept our feet nailed hard and fast to the ground. She told us no when we wanted to hear yes and my dad was right there to back her up." For the record, from his book he seems to be very fond of his own parents, and seems to have a close relationship with his now adult kids.

Kids want to hear yes, but that's not implying it's mean to say no. Saying no means you care. It means you are looking out for their best interests. It means you are parenting. And sometimes that's not fun, but that's the gig you signed up for.

So I say embrace the word NO with both hands. Use it with confidence. You are using it to fight the good fight. It is your gift to your children, that they grow to be well adjusted adults.

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