Pushing through concrete (Part 1)

Two years ago, I wrote about the shifting sands I was navigating, and two years on, the weight of those problems is heavier than ever before, more fragile and falling though my finger tips. I just have to prepare myself for what will come. I've been doing the heavy lifting on a daily basis and been oppressed by all the other demands of family life. Trying not to drop the balls of others when focused on one or two. Unfortunately I feel I'm failing in one of the issues. I don't know how to do it right, I keep trying new tactics but we all end up back in the same place - our medical system is very frustrating, and the cost is too great for me to get it wrong. And sadly it's not actually up to me. I can be there, but I don't seem to be able to actually help them enough. That's the part that's slowly destroying me, that I'm failing them, and I can't afford to do that.

Friday I hit the wall. For two years I've been able to 'reset', to quickly lift my spirits and move in a new direction but this time I couldn't. There was no fuel left in the tank. What happened on Friday wasn't worse than anything before, I'd just depleted all my energy. I couldn't seek joy anywhere, using any of my previous little tricks. 

The wild stormy weather didn't help, as we were stuck inside. I was sinking lower in the mire and no one seemed to be able to throw me a line. Least of all me. I felt so alone with no way to escape.

My shoulder and neck seemed to have taken some strain after two sleepless nights and as I was physically agitated, it dawned on me I needed to get some exercise. It occurred to me I have a carpark and the firestairs at my disposal. 

So I started running through concrete. The combination of endorphins and the humorous embarrassment of explaining to the workmen who busted me that I was running up and down the 5 stories of stairs for exercise worked a charm. So much so that I did it again yesterday, increasing my stair count. I'm even considering doing it today, though the sun is out and maybe I need the sun on my face a little more.

This strange and unexpected activity was enough to kick start the motor, Not completely, but a little. Part 2 is what really made the difference, but you'll have to read more for that. It may not be logical, but I'll leave you with this:

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. Martin Luther King, Jr.
And if you're pushing though concrete, you may as well run through it.

I've now signed up for this so set up a fund raising page if anyone is interested in helping Giant Steps (a school for autism in Sydney) https://sydney-tower-2016.everydayhero.com/au/lydia-c-lee