Throw the shade away

I am not a fan of reunions. I don't really see the point. I'm friends with my friends and just because we spent a few years together back in the day, I don't feel the need to meet for one night and return to our very separate lives.  It's like speed dating with people you don't want to sleep with, so why bother? Who wants to have the same boring conversation 30 times in a row?

So you can imagine I was not thrilled at the prospect of a 50th with a lot of people from my past. They were the popular kids and while I mixed with them, I was more the outsider, often present but not really connected. However, there would be enough people from my present, and enough strangers to busy myself with, I figured, so it would be alright.

The first person I bumped into was from my past and we stumbled around awkwardly conversationwise for a bit, summing up our lives, and then her husband joined us so we talked normally to include him, and we all relaxed. 

Later in the evening, a person from long ago came up to me and said "So how have the last 30 years treated you? Have they been good?". I considered the question for a millisecond and replied "Good. Really Good. That's the best way to cover all that. Now we can just be normal" and so we then moved on to all manner of things, including how whales slept and the moons of Jupiter, and things that actually interested us. Of course, the longer we spoke, personal details of our lives were revealed, but in a natural fashion. Not this listing of what you've done and how many kids you have and so on. Not a pointless comparison of experience.

Over the course of the night I spoke to a few more from the past, and many more I'd never met. I had a lot of fun with a couple of people in particular. We seemed to click quickly outside the 'social norms' of conversation. Shared history wasn't necessary, and neither was knowing it. It was all very here and now. Other than the 'how do you know the host?' as a starter, we didn't even really cover traditional 'ice breakers'.

The interesting thing, I pointed out to my husband later, was that people kept offering up why they weren't living in their dream house, or why they didn't really use their University degree. Even though I hadn't asked, they'd just launch into it. I kept wondering why they even cared what I thought of them, as to bother giving me an explanation. It was perplexing for me that the self conscious introvert had somehow become the most self assured person there. Purely because I literally didn't care what they thought of me. There are a million and one things I hate about ageing (and the toll it's taking on my body) but if this is part of the bargain, it's definitely worth the price. 

I am not good at parties, even if I know everyone I find the big group thing quite difficult (I've decided my brain is Finnish and I can't deal with small talk. Like the Finns, I just don't see the point. Which is not to say I'm not interested in what you've been up to if we are friends, obviously). With the rash of 50th parties, I've had to push myself to make conversation with strangers. If I see someone or a couple standing by themselves, I just go over to them. I figure we're all friends of the host, so we should make it a successful night for all, out of respect for our mutual friend. Sometimes they're quite grateful, often they're very interesting but sometimes they're quite rude. However that's on them, and I don't need to take any of their attitude on board. 

While googling a title for another post, I came across this article with the best advice "Act as if you’re a host, not a guest. Reach out to people standing by themselves...those that look obviously uncomfortable...Don’t be afraid to approach people...If you focus on the other person’s comfort, you can lose your own self-consciousness." I was relaxed and confident  at that party because I was focused on them. As I learnt from Augusten Burroughs, the secret to confidence is to focus on the person (or thing) in front of you, and all self judgement disappears.

As I said to someone on the night, 'The thing is, everyone at our age has baggage. You don't get to live this long without going through the wringer a few times. Anyone who pretends everything is perfect is lying and not worth talking to'. You don't need to take on the opinion of others at a party, just throw their shade away. As for me, I've got plenty of emotional baggage but I'm working on carrying it well.



Linking with #ConfidentTwosday 

PS I don't know what this song is actually about, but I'm co-opting it for my purpose. Whenever you are feeling a little 'less than', blare it out. You just throw the shade away....