Grief

 Decades ago I went to the funeral of a work collegue, and one of my other collegues bee lined for the spouse and exchanged some meaningful words before moving off. I remember clearly thinking "I don't know what to say at funerals, I wish I could be like that'.

The older I get, the more I seem to need to say things to bereaved people. So I stumbled across this podcast and started to give it a listen. I'm still listening, as I found my own grief with my Dad so weird. It helps you realise that whatever you feel and however you deal with it is normal.

When Dad was dying, it was really traumatic and I was trying to be strong for both him and Mum, helping her cope with all that needed to be done. By coincidence I had a lot of concerts on so I kept going and dancing away my stress. It really helped me decompress and I'd be fresh for the next day, rather than drained and depressed. After he died, I had some plays and concerts (the sitting type, not the dancing type) and I decided I'd go. I told the people I went with that if I got up and left during it, not to follow me and I'd text them that I was home safe. I didn't know how I would feel but I figured I could sit at home and watch tv and be sad in my head or I could sit in a crowd and be sad or possibly be distracted or feel something else. I genuinely didn't know at the start of the play if I'd make it to the end. I think I made my friends very nervous and uncomfortable (one even texted me when I went to the bathroom at interval to check I was still there....theatre toilet queues make it take a while) so I was probably externally pretty odd. But I guess for me, I'd cut out alcohol completely because I was scared of what uncontrollable emotions that might unleash, so this was sort of the 'relaxing, enjoyable' soothing effect that a drink might have. Something to take the edge off, you might say.

At one point my mum said 'you do need to make sure you grieve properly'. I remember thinking, sadness isn't a thing that will stop. I don't have to display sadness 24 hours a day. This is forever. I kind of think we are told how to grieve but it's not actually helpful to the griever. It's like a weird respectful display for others, but they lose interest in helping you grieve and only really notice when you aren't doing the right thing. Grief doesn't come in waves as they say, it's just constant, but the ferocity of it ebbs and returns. You're angry, you're sad, you're numb - there's no pattern or reason. Most of all, there's no timeframe.

I found I managed all the milestones in the first year with ease - I'd prepared for them but it was the unexpected attacks - the memories that were triggered out of nowhere when I would fall apart. I would actually fell like I'd been punched. I went to a concert the night before the funeral (which my husband was so uncomfortable with) and it was a really great thing to do, it was calming - I slept well but the morning of the funeral I couldn't even get dressed and I said to a friend in a text that I didn't think I could go. I was sitting on the floor naked in the bathroom and couldn't move. I probably wouldn't have gone (which obviously would have been a HUGE mistake) but the friend, who had texted at exactly the right moment said "Just take a deep breathe and I'll see you in an hour". It's funny, that basic command kind of made me start moving again. What I will say, that complete breakdown and inabillity to physically function was not about my dad. It was about me. It was me not wanting to deal with it. It was me wanting to avoid the officialness of the farewell. It was me not wanting to talk to people. I hated the funeral (there was nothing wrong with it, it just didn't help me grieve) but I did get comfort from the reception afterwards. Comfort from talking to people I hadn't seen in a long time or had never met who told me stories I didn't know or had long forgotten. 

Anyway, in the podcast (I think in ep 3 but it might have been 2), she talks about how movement is important and for some people, even dancing is part of the grieving process. How doing things you did together, no matter how small is part of the grieving process. When she said it, I thought "That's me". While I wasn't dancing, I did go to the theatre with my Dad and I had so many memories of talking about the show and making jokes in the car on the way home and dressing up for the occasion of it all. I sort of think that's why, even when I was sad, I found a kind of peace there. 

Anyway the bottom line is, if you are interested in understanding grief, this might be helpful. It makes you realise whatever you are feeling is normal, and it's weirdly positive and uplifting. If you have a bereaved friend, this will definitely give you ideas on how to be there for them.

No affiliation, and I've only listened to the first 3 and then ep 54 but so far I've found it very interesting and helpful. So this is a sort of Community Service Announcement for those that might need to hear it.

Linking with #WeekendReflection for the pictures #AnythingGoes  #TheRandom and #WWandP