Do we ever really know a person?

While I was in Amsterdam, I went to Anne Frank's House, well worth the two hour wait (though try to book tickets in advance to avoid that if you are planning to visit). Obviously there's a lot to discuss there, but there was one thing that really resounded with me, and still pushes into my thoughts. At the end of the tour, Otto Frank, Anne's father discusses the diary, and his experience of reading the diary.
"It was quite a different Anne [than] I had known as my daughter. She never really showed this kind of inner feeling. She talked about many things, we criticized many things, but what really her feelings were, I only could see from the diary." He elaborates “And my conclusion is, as I had been in very, very good terms with Anne, that most parents don’t really know their children.”

We must remember we never really know the inner turmoil that people are going through, even if we live in the same house and see them daily. Add some friction and it's near impossible to see the wood for the trees.

Teenagers are by nature secretive creatures. It's our job to watch ever so carefully, and even then, the best detective can still miss the signs.

If you don't understand your child, or you discover things are not as you thought, take heart that even a parent who had a great relationship with his daughter, trapped in a small space with no outside distractions still had no idea who he was living with.

It is human nature to process events with our own filter, to make assumptions about the feelings and actions of others. I recently had my own motives twisted up by a friend to feed their own vanity. I was more taken aback that she'd distorted something I'd done many times before (and have done since) with what I thought was clearly kindness and generosity than her actual bitchiness and betrayal. She made my gesture seem so mean and petty. I felt she didn't know me at all. Hearing her badmouth me in such a way, in turn, has made me question her motives which I had naively and incorrectly thought I knew. I see her behaviour in relation to me a little more clearly now, and can I see how it has tainted some other past interactions, that at the time I found odd  but couldn't place why.  It's all makes more sense to me now.

If adults well into middle age can still get it so wrong, imagine what the teenage brain does with their perception?

I got tickets to see Flume with my eldest, thinking it would be a nice bonding experience. They were sullen and vile the whole night, so midway through I gave up even trying and just danced with the 20 year old next to me. On the way back to the car my child sniped "Don't you think I'm a little old to have to go to concerts with my mother now?". I replied "This wasn't about supervision. This was about me having no one to go with. None of my friends like Flume! I thought you'd be happy for the free ticket!" I pointed out they'd been to a number of concerts with their friends already. I could see the genuine surprise as they registered the answer. It also explained the ungrateful pissy mood that had ruined my evening. I had assumed we were on the same page but clearly we weren't at all.

As parents, it's our job not to be dummies or turn a blind eye and more importantly,we should not be dismissive of the weight these teenagers may be carrying on their shoulders, no matter how it manifests.

The 'troubled teen' is just that, troubled by something. Maybe it's better for all if we park our judgement and try to unravel the issues and reset the outcomes.

We need to listen, engage, spend time with and talk to our kids, even when it's a thankless and arduous task. Even when they don't want to. More importantly, even when we don't want to.

We will never really know another person, but we must try our best to.

Linking this old post with  #Blogtober21 on teenagers.