"Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors." The Kite Runner

Content warning - Suicide

We hear a lot of people say 'I just want them to be happy' but as the HSC approaches, we hear a very different tune from parents. Kids are currently pushed into University, into courses chosen at random that suits the parents ideas, not necessarily the student and this is why we currently see a drop out rate for Universities like never before.

There is an article floating around with the release of Too Soon Too Late with interviews on the loss of her child, Stuart Kelly. His mother, Kathy Kelly very generously shares a conversation that must have been difficult for her to admit in the public sphere. However it is a conversation I have heard plenty of friends repeat variations of, as they force their child to follow a path they aren't interested in. The full article is here (and note the content warning of suicide applies). Her son one day says he might do wood work and she replied  ‘oh, we didn’t struggle to send you through this school to have you turning timber.’ I am not judging her for this - I am infact admiring that she had the courage to share it in order to help others. I hear this all the time from parents, and if not specifically those words, the same idea built into the attitude of what their child should do with their HSC marks. She goes on to explain that she wouldn't care what he did, if only he was here. I don't think these words caused his decision to act, but as she later says “I just feel that I said all the wrong things, and we weren’t really listening to him." This is something we all do as parents and we don't really get to understand it without the benefit of hindsight. 

Perhaps we need to all listen a bit closer and remind ourselves that our children are not a reflection of us, nor is what matters to them always the same thing that matters to us. Maybe we let them try on their Plan A without pushing our idea of Plan B. Maybe we launch them into their plan so successfully it works, or if it doesn't, we help them find the steps for the new Plan A.

We chose to send them to an expensive school. They don't owe us a return on our investment any more than they do if we give them an expensive suit or dress for the formal.  If the child truly got a good education, they will have the ability to say politely, 'this is not what I want to do' and not waste their time or happiness trying to fulfill your ideal. If we are good parents, we don't get to decide what they become, we merely help them be who they want to be. It was a good lesson surmmarised in Avengers:Endgame "Everyone fails at who they're supposed to be...A measure of a person...is how well they succeed at being who they are". If we really want them to be happy, we need to let them in the driving seat, and try not to be the distracting backseat driver. Perhaps we need to celebrate the person in front of us, regardless of the potential that awaits in them tomorrow. Celebrate that success if and when it comes.

We also can't decide what will make them happy. We can be there to pick up the pieces should they make a wrong choice and decide they have failed, but we can't assume that if they aren't making lots of money or they don't have prestige, they aren't more content than those who do. Our recipe for happiness might not work for them. They are our children but they aren't, and never will be, us.

"I refuse to accept other people's ideas of happiness for me. As if there's a 'one size fits all' standard for happiness". Kanye West

Linking with #Blogtober21 on Education

This is well worth watching - if you don't have the spare 22 minutes, jump to the 11 mins through to 14 - what if everything I've been told isn't true? And again jump to the 19 mins. All my life I'd been told if you do this next step then you'll be happy.

Please note if you or someone you love needs help, please seek immediately. 
LifeLine (Australia) 13 11 14 anytime (or text 0477 131114 between 6pm-10pm) and note there are resources on the website. https://www.lifeline.org.au/

Black Dog https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/ 

Other counselling lines (24/7)  

Kids Helpline – 1800 55 1800
MensLine Australia – 1300 78 99 78
Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467
Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636
Open Arms - Veterans & Families Counselling – 1800 011 046

And if your life is in danger call emergency services:

• Emergency Australia – 000
• Emergency New Zealand – 111
• A&E UK - 999

UK counselling numbers listed here.

You are not alone. There is always someone to listen and to help you keep safe.