A day in the life...

The last few weeks I've had to drop everything and race across town to look after my mum (often staying overnight at her place or long days/nights in the hospital). So my days have lost all their routine.

The car trip is two and a half hours with traffic round trip, so the only upside is I am getting through my far too long book club book on audible. 

I am cancelling plans and getting more and more stressed about falling behind at work. I don't feel I'll see friends for a long while, and am missing quality time with my patient husband and kids. 

My youngest is in the middle of her HSC trials and her 18th is next week. I am feeling the weight of guilt that I am letting her down, and the stress of how to try and get her party organised. I'm determined not to cancel it, though I have to admit I've probably destroyed her chances of good marks these exams and that is eating at me.

I know it has to be done, but I am feeling stressed, physically exhausted and mentally overwhelmed. I am hoping my sister can start to help out a little, though Mum seems to feel it's easier for me, even though I live further away and have dependants. I guess I have a good game face.

I am struggling because I'm not doing right by anyone else. I feel I'm carrying a weight of things to come, while tripping over all the balls I've dropped in my life.

However, while the hospital care is not ideal (even private doesn't seem to get results, they just want to be get you temporarily well enough to send home - so you return in the middle of the night two days later), I am trying to see joy in the small things when I can. The walk from the car to the hospital gets me out in the warm sun, and the leafy suburb brought the joys of huge cockatoos and the delight of a rabbit. I also saw my first cherry blossom of the season! I managed a quick 3km walk in the setting sun, so while I'm not been getting exercise, I'm trying to get movement when I can, and it can seem even more precious.

I am currently waiting to see if I got booked for speeding in a roadworks zone - so every time the mail comes and there's no ticket (and more importantly, all my points are intact!), I feel a wave of relief & there is unbelievable joy in that...In my defence is was 2.30 am when I drove back from emergency and I drove 40km all the way through the road work to the lead up to the Harbour Bridge but I was sure I saw a sign that said 70km at the start of the bridge so started to speed up when on the bridge. Because I was tired I was driving carefully but I think I was going 55-60km when I saw the flashing 40km lights and slowed down. It was then that I noticed the cop car in my review window.

This morning, on the way home from dropping my kiddo at an exam, my ABC full story podcast mentioned A Sandwich Generation podcast and while I couldn't find the one they said, I discovered there are a lot of them. I listened to this one and it's already made me feel better because she touches on the guilt of not being present for your children and the invisible mental load. I will add more good ones here as I listen to them. This one has advice including 'you only need to be the parent you want to be 50% of the time, and cut yourself some slack'. I don't know if I'll really believe that but it was good to hear.

Linking with #AwwMondays

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It would be remiss to end without mentioning this song. I used to really love it as a kid. Now it seems really bleak and dark. It does however. feel remarkably current with the way the news is now voyeuristically presented online, and the way our feeds can show suffering and death as if it's nothing.

I have to say, this made me laugh - in a 'I feel ya!' vibe. Sometimes the small joys are really small!

Linking this last pic with #MuralMondays