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Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Standing Still

I was deeply moved by a post I read this week - an anonymous guest post on depression. The bit that really nagged at me however, was when he tried to tell his wife. I don't think she was uncaring, and I don't think she reacted differently to a million other people when having that conversation. I also understand why he brushed it aside. We all go through things that seem to be hard to explain to those we love. What causes the problems, however, is that we accept defeat so easily. We don't try to make them understand, or aware of how we feel. Distance is created, which enhances the loneliness of the situation.

There is a quote by Bill Willingham (in his genius series Fables) "The tide comes in. The tide goes out. We're always on our way somewhere, even when standing still".

So today, ask your partner how they're feeling. Tell them you love them. Really listen to what they're saying. Ask that extra question. Remember the surface may seem the same as always, but that may be masking what is really running through their head.

Conversely, if you have something you need to share with your partner, share it. Don't cut them out of your life - and that is what you are doing. You are taking away the opportunity for them to help you, or support you, or share the ride with you. You are not letting them be there with you.

Obviously, I am not an expert in relationships or depression, so seek professional help and take my opinion with a grain of salt. It is just that, an opinion but I do believe from time to time, it is worthwhile to ask 'Are you okay?'

Linking up with OneMotherHen for #OpenSlather.

23 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. The whole letting go of telling difficult truths is so hard though, but necessary. Kx

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  2. Such a simple message Lydia but such an important one... and beautifully expressed.

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  3. I'm glad you both said that as I was worried it might read as criticism - and I have none for either party - I would probably do the same, in both pairs of shoes. But your partner should be your go-to guy, and if you shut them out with secrets, then the damage is far greater than the truth....it's all very sad.

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  4. So well said. I didn't see it as critical in any way. I think it will make whoever read it stop and think about their relationships and how they are dealing with them (or not).
    Have a wonderful weekend Lovely Lady !
    Me xox

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  5. Such a simple question but it can mean so much to others when you ask if they are ok.. i know that that's what I'd like to hear on some days, but just never get to because I hide it so well.

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

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    1. I know a person who refered to herself when she was at her worst "as the happiest person on the planet with depression" because she covered it up so much. Yet she only got better once she got help and told people...

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  6. I just read a book called The View on the way down about one family member with depression and its impact on the other members...although it was supposedly fiction, I'm sure it's true to most families as it reminds me of clients and families I see at work. The reaction to depression unfortunately is still a 'get over it' reaction because people can be pretty good at covering it up and unlike physical illnesses, not one that is visible. But yes, asking loved ones how they are is the first step. Listening to them intently is the next.

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  7. Isn't it so important to be able to trust someone with your vulnerability, Lydia? Definitely not read as critical, we need to put this out there, and make it acceptable to have these conversations.

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  8. This post is timely. I have a terrible tendency to shut down and not talk. Pretty much sums up this week...

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    1. Same. And then get annoyed when they don't 'get it'. (did I mention never to take relationship advice from me - or more do as I say, not as I do...)

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  9. I often have trouble expressing myself verbally which is why I prefer writing. But you're right, it's so important to be able to do so. It's something I really need to work on. Sigh.

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    1. Same. That's the irony, most of us are in the same boat, we don't just realise we are...

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  10. Beautiful. It is always a good thing to ask if someone is ok.

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  11. Agree. My husband and I are always so busy transacting that we go long periods without actually talking. xx

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  12. So true Lydia. It is so important to listen. Truly shut up and listen to the other person without judgement or opinion or even problem solving until we hear the full story.

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  13. I have to admit that I was shocked when I read her reaction as well.. but I can kind of see it. I joke that I married a brick, he's not that bad, but I'd like to think that if I came to him with such a thing he'd be my rock, not just a brick (wall of non emotion) x

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  14. Ok, so I just read the original post over at Tegan's and was so dang moved... It is such a sensitive topic and I hope he gets some help, whether it be from his wife or from a medical professional.
    I totally agree with you. So often a conversation is had, just so people can talk, rather than actually listen. It is easy to feel as though we "can't" talk to people because it is just so difficult to open up but I find that for all the times I've been hurt for putting myself out there, I have been rewarded ten times over by the love and friendships I've found.
    Thanks for sharing. I loved this post!!!

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  15. Awesome advice Lydia xx Thank you also, I hadn't read that piece at Tegans blog yet.

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  16. Thanks for a great post on an important topic - it has given me something to really think about - thanks

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  17. Came back to read this one. I love its simplicityand its truth. X

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