“The image that concerns most people is the reflection they see in other people's minds.” ― Edward De Bono

I was lucky enough to see Postmodern Jukebox on Friday, having decided I couldn't afford to go, a friend ended up with a spare ticket she gifted me. I really enjoy their playful renditions of songs. Always a great show.  (The guy we saw singing Umbrella is here)

 

However this is about bodies and beauty standards, but mainly about confidence.

There were three magnificent female singers, changing into all sorts of fitted evening dresses. At one point, I thought "I would never wear that on my body but they look great, so maybe I should stop caring about the bumps in the 'wrong' places" We are women, this is what women look like in real life. And these women looked beautiful.

So, last night I decided to wear a new fancy figure hugging dress that I got online for $49 but haven't had a chance to wear because it's quite OTT. One of the menopausal delights is my tummy seems to go up and down on a daily basis - some days I look pregnant, some days it's flattish. If I'm puffed up, I usually change into a 'fat' dress. Last night I didn't. I thought of those 3 ladies with different figures who looked beautiful in the same dress and decided I would just enjoy my dress. 

And I did. 

I honestly didn't think about it again, how it was showing my tummy or how big my butt must have looked in it.

“For the first time maybe ever, it didn't matter if I looked beautiful or not. I felt it.”
― Kiera Cass, Happily Ever After

At the Marilyn exhibition there is this quote, and it's something I'm really going to work on. Except I want to have courage to be loyal to the body I have that continues to allow me to have fun and make my way in the world.

Maybe confidence is where beauty lies, and it exudes over our face and body, adding a sheen just like make up?

I know he hates it but the whole world fell in love with Tom Holland for this, and I'm pretty sure it's because he commited to it 100% (he didn't laugh or camp it up) and he got the girl so big win for him. So many people say "I don't know why I love this so much" but I think it's not his look or dancing but his confidence that mesmerised everyone.

Will Ferrell told John C. Reilly that it didn't matter how stupid the role was, as long as you commit 100% to it, the laughs will work. And he shows that time & again - we are always laughing with him, not at him.

'When you have confidence, you can have a lot of fun. And when you have fun, you can do amazing things'. Joe Namath

And here's to doing amazing things!

Linking with #ConfidentTwosday

Throw the shade away

I am not a fan of reunions. I don't really see the point. I'm friends with my friends and just because we spent a few years together back in the day, I don't feel the need to meet for one night and return to our very separate lives.  It's like speed dating with people you don't want to sleep with, so why bother? Who wants to have the same boring conversation 30 times in a row?

So you can imagine I was not thrilled at the prospect of a 50th with a lot of people from my past. They were the popular kids and while I mixed with them, I was more the outsider, often present but not really connected. However, there would be enough people from my present, and enough strangers to busy myself with, I figured, so it would be alright.

The first person I bumped into was from my past and we stumbled around awkwardly conversationwise for a bit, summing up our lives, and then her husband joined us so we talked normally to include him, and we all relaxed. 

Later in the evening, a person from long ago came up to me and said "So how have the last 30 years treated you? Have they been good?". I considered the question for a millisecond and replied "Good. Really Good. That's the best way to cover all that. Now we can just be normal" and so we then moved on to all manner of things, including how whales slept and the moons of Jupiter, and things that actually interested us. Of course, the longer we spoke, personal details of our lives were revealed, but in a natural fashion. Not this listing of what you've done and how many kids you have and so on. Not a pointless comparison of experience.

Over the course of the night I spoke to a few more from the past, and many more I'd never met. I had a lot of fun with a couple of people in particular. We seemed to click quickly outside the 'social norms' of conversation. Shared history wasn't necessary, and neither was knowing it. It was all very here and now. Other than the 'how do you know the host?' as a starter, we didn't even really cover traditional 'ice breakers'.

The interesting thing, I pointed out to my husband later, was that people kept offering up why they weren't living in their dream house, or why they didn't really use their University degree. Even though I hadn't asked, they'd just launch into it. I kept wondering why they even cared what I thought of them, as to bother giving me an explanation. It was perplexing for me that the self conscious introvert had somehow become the most self assured person there. Purely because I literally didn't care what they thought of me. There are a million and one things I hate about ageing (and the toll it's taking on my body) but if this is part of the bargain, it's definitely worth the price. 

I am not good at parties, even if I know everyone I find the big group thing quite difficult (I've decided my brain is Finnish and I can't deal with small talk. Like the Finns, I just don't see the point. Which is not to say I'm not interested in what you've been up to if we are friends, obviously). With the rash of 50th parties, I've had to push myself to make conversation with strangers. If I see someone or a couple standing by themselves, I just go over to them. I figure we're all friends of the host, so we should make it a successful night for all, out of respect for our mutual friend. Sometimes they're quite grateful, often they're very interesting but sometimes they're quite rude. However that's on them, and I don't need to take any of their attitude on board. 

While googling a title for another post, I came across this article with the best advice "Act as if you’re a host, not a guest. Reach out to people standing by themselves...those that look obviously uncomfortable...Don’t be afraid to approach people...If you focus on the other person’s comfort, you can lose your own self-consciousness." I was relaxed and confident  at that party because I was focused on them. As I learnt from Augusten Burroughs, the secret to confidence is to focus on the person (or thing) in front of you, and all self judgement disappears.

As I said to someone on the night, 'The thing is, everyone at our age has baggage. You don't get to live this long without going through the wringer a few times. Anyone who pretends everything is perfect is lying and not worth talking to'. You don't need to take on the opinion of others at a party, just throw their shade away. As for me, I've got plenty of emotional baggage but I'm working on carrying it well.

Linking with #SeniorSalonPitstop

PS I don't know what this song is actually about, but I'm co-opting it for my purpose. Whenever you are feeling a little 'less than', blare it out. You just throw the shade away....

Lack of Relevance

A friend made a comment about greiving her lack of relevance. To me, though retired, this woman is actively contributing to society in an amazing way, promoting well being and certain organisations in an officially recognised manner so I was quite surprised her perception would be that, even momentarily.

I have another friend, though still very attractive, lament the loss of her looks, and how she used to be able to 'get' any man she set her sights on, and now she was 'invisible'.

Far too frequently, I read the stories of the empty nesters plummeting into a depression.

All wrapped up in a 'lack of relevance'.

Last night, I had a dream that I had to tell my husband that I couldn't have children anymore. He got very upset* and I was quite upset. In real life we decided we were too old to have children years ago, so why this dream was so medically elaborate with the testing, and why we were so upset is a little beyond me, but clearly, down in my subconscious, knowing this day is coming somehow was triggered by my discussion about lack of relevance the day before.

One thing I have found, as I've aged, is I'm running out of excuses. I have to make things happen, and I have to say yes more often to activities as the opportunities will eventually cease due to frailty. I can no longer say 'I'm too busy with the kids' not to actively protest the inequities (or just plain stupidity) in the world.

I guess like Grandma Moses, maybe the freedom old age brings is a blessing, if combined with confidence. The trick is just to do it, no matter what the 'it' might be.

Relevance refers to being 'Meaningful or purposeful in current society or culture' and I guess in this youth driven world we can feel that pass us by, especially as our own children become dynamic adults themselves. 

However, it also means 'Having a bearing on or connection with the matter at hand' and that is entirely up to us. At any point in time we can jump in feet first and start something - a new hobby, a new career even, or become a voice for those in need of one. 

If you are feeling lost, maybe now is the time to find out who YOU really are. You without the parameters set by others, Society has set a lot of rules for women but maybe now is your time to see what you can achieve unfettered.

Once free of the excuse of obligations, what will you do with your one and only precious life?**

Linking with #FriendshipFriday



*When I told my husband about the dream he burst out laughing and asked "Yeah, like we want to have more kids now!"
** Borrowing from Mary Oliver.

"When I dance, I forget everything else, and just feel completely happy." Katherine Jenkins

 I was scrolling on FB and a clip came up where a teacher in Africa (not sure which country - I want to say Nigeria but google is disagreeing with me). Anyway, I noticed the creative teacher was saying he was teaching the school children to dance to improve their confidence and self esteem (and I thought 'how interesting. I'll come and look at that later but then lost it completely and can't find it.)

However, while you may remember, a few years back, I had very low self esteem. In the last few years, I've taken dance lessons (all kinds, ballet, hip hop, samba fitness - I'm pretty terrible at them all, but I don't care, because I just have fun with it) and I go to lots of concerts and dance my heart out, not caring how I look or who sees me.

As a by product, I've become more confident. Not a better dancer, by any means, not even looking like I fit in. I just don't care. My focus is on the experience. The endorphins and energy the movement and music brings.


In the dance classes, I need to concentrate on the task at hand, I tune out all the thoughts of what I look like and if I can do it. The internal voice is muted as I try to remember the order of the routine or the tricky steps. At a concert, I'm so focused on the stage that my tunnel vision tunes out those around me, or those beyond the people I'm dancing with.

Augusten Burroughs explains it perfectly in his book This Is How (but get the audio book as he reads it so brilliantly - it's on audible). Basically the short version is that if you focus, truly focus on the task at hand, you stop thinking about what other people are thinking of you (and your ability). You also stop running the internal judgement on what you are doing. You are only focused on the thing you are doing. You are at ease in yourself because you are task conscious, not self conscious.

I have noticed on reflection (prompted by the FB clip and wondering if dance did raise your self esteem), that this behaviour, that started with dance, has crept into other activities in life. I suspect as I became more focused on the dancing, I started to enjoy that kind of attention to detail (rewarded with the endorphins and buzzy energy), my subconscious took over. It has been over three years since I wrote about my epiphany and I can definitely say I am no longer that girl. Though I am older, wrinklier, greyer, fatter and just generally all those things I should feel more insecure about.

So imagine if when I was little, I learnt the benefits of dance and really revelled in it? Maybe that teacher is on to something....(There is also argument that you improve confidence with the mastery of a dance step but as I never really master it, I can't really comment - I don't think that's necessary for the benefits).

If anyone knows the clip I'm talking about, can you give me a link as I'd love to see what he had to say. Everyone else, read This is How.

Or just dance.

(The photos are from Sculpture at Scenic World a few years ago, and I loved the simplicity of the idea. The focus changed the scenery completely. It highlighted a different beauty by making us focus on a smaller detail.)

Linking with #TellUsAbout Confidence.