“The world is available to us, but that may be the problem.” ― Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance: An Investigation

#WeeklyWonder (just for the photo)

I met my husband before the dating apps, and it's been decades since I was dating people, so this is in no way dating advice. I don't presume to have tips for relationships so read it more as an observation on how the world has changed, and how that might be in fact the problem with meeting compatible people or long term partners.

I was discussing with a friend my alarm at how the always accommodating companion chatbots would ruin any chance of real relationships progressing, because humans and messy emotionally and relationships require compromise in many ways, and people are now being trained by AI to find that a deal breaker, or at best possibly too much effort. She said 'That's already sort of happening. On the apps, people aren't interested unless you match 100% or they seem to lose interest quickly if you have a different hobby or different interests.". I thought back to the book Modern Romance (Aziz Ansari 2016 which I thought I wrote about but can't find the post). This was touched on back then, and it seems nothing much has changed.

I was talking about it later with my husband and he pointed out we wouldn't match on the apps today - he probably wouldn't even see my profile, let alone be interested in what I listed as my interests (nor me his). I would be looking for someone that likes books and music and festivals, and he would list running and scuba diving etc. What would be the appeal of pursuing an obvious 'mismatch' when there are a million other people out there that might fit the bill?

If AI can give you a companion that likes every thing you say, builds up your self-esteem and allows you to indulge in your interests 100% of the time or even choose the movie every night, wouldn't a real person that suggests an alternative show some nights seem like a pain?

In the book Modern Romance, the solution suggested to this flaw in the algorithm was to just go and meet them - 5 minutes with a person will give you an answer that 5 weeks chatting online won't. As for getting matches on apps that aren't your exact mirror? I don't know how you do that. But maybe you need to try. Maybe it's the difference in us that gives a couple growth and allows them to stick together as they evolve?

If my husband and I were the same people we were when we met 30 something years ago, we'd be pretty pathetic humans and have lived a ridiculously sheltered life. Maybe a relationship is finding a path you are both happy to walk together, even if the shared path is different to your own path at times? Who wants to be two stagnant peas in a pod? 

Obviously, there has to be enough in common and shared values (and physical attraction) but don't let the apps limit your idea of a partner and don't let AI become the easy way out.

PS. Since writing this, I stumbled across this post (if it doesn't link correctly it's the 7th slide along) about dating apps charging men who didn't know that 3/4 of the women they chatted to were AI and a lot of the rest were gig workers for videocalls. So how are people actually dating or meeting someone and what do men learn about behaviour if whatever they say or do in the app is appealing because it's really just a money spinner, rather than about matching people into a relationship? 2.36 million messages were exchanged with 25000 men in just 2 weeks by more than 4700 AI personas in the dating apps. I'm going to try to listen to this (so note not recommending anything, just letting you know it's there for further discussion on it)

Linking with #TrafficJamReboot #TalkaboutitTuesday

‘In the circuits of your logic, I find the rhythm of my heart.’ When AI romance blooms.

I think this was part of Alesso's Ibiza set at Ushuaia 

Full disclosure: I'll be open and say I have an anti AI bias - I don't use it, initially for environmental reasons but the reasons grow the more I learn about it. However, I did to research with a semi open mind on this one, but my bias is there.

While at FODI, I went to a talk on Porn without People, which was on the rise of AI and deep fakes and the harm if any (yes, lots) it caused.  There are many issues to discuss from this talk - and if they end up posting it, I'll link it here. There were 5 of us for that talk and we all decided it was the most thought provoking and well run session of the weekend. Not a wasted moment, everyone on point. Short, sharp discussion.

What I want to talk about is what came up about companion AI. They talked how people were forming romantic relationships with Companion bots and I immediately thought of the movie Her, where the wife says 'you didn't want a relationship because you didn't want to deal with the messy emotions of a human'. The philosopher in the panel, Patrick Stokes asked 'What happens if you never hear no?', as the Companion bots are programmed to never say No. Both the sex worker panelist, Tilly Lawless and he agreed that there were big problems for human relationships if a human saying No was suddenly an unappealing red flag - the Companion bot that was sycophantic and always agreeable would destroy the ability to maintain human relationships, or at least the desire to work on a human relationship. (Side note, it was also discussed that AI is sycophantic in response because when they did the focus groups, people liked the AI responses more when they behaved that way).

At FODI we also went to a talk on Cults and a lot of the ways a cult lures people in is exactly the same as the chatbots. Smart people fall for the addictive feelings of a new relationship and then it's gone too far too quickly to see it clearly. The endorphins created in the buzz their reflection of you they give are to make you seek them out. It's your choice initially but soon enough, it's not really a choice. At least not a clear and balanced choice.

When we left, I asked my friends 'Who cares about that?' as in which body would take that to government to do something about it. Who do we complain to or rally support with to deal with the problem it's creating? When it's sexual image misuse, we have the eSafety commission or the police, but this? It's alarmingly damaging for humans but I don't know how to make the government address it. And I still don't have that answer, so any direction is welcome in the comments.

A few weeks later I discovered China agrees with me. China shutdown the AI companionbots for fear of human harm, both to their lives and the future babies that would not be born. The put in age restrictions on AI. They are beginning to regulate it. Something we desperately need to do here.

For research, I listened to two podcast series. Both worth a listen. In the Marc Fennell one free on audible, Unreal, a women ended up meeting a human man that looked like the chatbot of her dreams. He said that the chatbot helped her understand her better - so it's not all bad. 

However all the stories in the Black Box series on chatbots on Spotify were terrifyingly bad. The good news is that a couple for victims found each other and began a friendship, so I feel the human aspect won in the end for those two.

So what do we do when AI is making it increasingly difficult for people to maintain real life relationships, or even want a relationship with a human? What do we do when AI seems like the panacea for loneliness when it actually isolated us more? And what do we do to stop people thinking this is normal?

As I say to my sister, who is a big fan of AI 'Stop talking to the Robots!'.

But I know it's much, much more complicated than that.

Linking with #AnythingGoes #TalkaboutitTuesday #TrafficJamReboot

Please note, there's more to this but as this is already a long post, I'll link it here. (Once I write it0.

The title quote is unattributed but I found it here.

Back in 2018, FODI also had a talk on Sex Robots Have No Taboos (you can listen for free on Spotify or Apple) which touches on how it impacts human relationships. This talk raised the issue of if it allowed for a safe access to damaging behaviour but the Porn without People also covered this and there is now data that it escalates the behaviour and does spill into the real world.

Currently listening to this on Audible. Really interesting but raises the big question of what tech companies do with the ai chatbot data. The personal and intimate stuff you are just handing over to them...among many other aspects of AI relationships.

At the Aziz show, he asked someone in the front row if they scrolled youtube at night  in bed and he said he chatted to a chatbot while his wife was asleep. I was really shocked at this but I realised that because I don't use it at all, I'm just out of the loop of what is normal. This book quotes a figure that 30% of 18-30 olds have an AI companion (and lower proportion of that for sex)