Self care - HSC lockdown style.

 As this lockdown wears on, I'm running out of new ideas for self care, that I haven't alread mentioned before. I've written a plethora of posts on this over the last two years - some of which are here, here, here and here.

As a result, this post will be short, sweet and specific. If you have have a year 12 this year, dwindling out their final year of school in lockdown, celebrate anyway. Mine is currently sitting trials, so after each exams we have a celebration lunch or dinner. They also just handed in their major work, so I made a big deal of that acheivement. It's still not the fun and exciting time my eldest had in these final months but it's the best we can do.

Make them see they are sliding into home plate. It is the end of their schooling but it is the start of their independant life. The world is about to open up for them, with endless possibilities (hopefully literally too!).

This year has made even my most tiger mum friends realise the HSC is not nearly as relevant as we'd been lead to believe. It just marks the end of school. It's the next step that's the big deal. That's the exciting beginning on a path that could lead them anywhere.

So give them what you can if in lockdown. Make it as fun and enjoyable as you can.

Let them look back and think it wasn't all bad.

I guess this fits into self care because as a mum, part of my self care is feeling in control of the ship I'm steering, while not in contol of the the weather around us. I may not control the passengers but I can help them have an enjoyable time, and focus on the bigger picture.

And that lifts my mood greatly.

Linking with #Lifethisweek

(Note, for other HSC posts, click here)

Big Life Decisions

There is a wonderful scene in Dispatches from Elsewhere where the character, Simone, goes back to her former college professor for help with something. He tells her he was hoping she was coming to re-enroll. Simone responds that she feels she's not in a position to make big life decisions. He points out that it's not a big life decision, it's just a decision for now and she's allowed to change her mind. He himself had started in Marine Biology before deciding he was passionate about art. "We make a decision and then if we need to, we make another decision".

With kids at school, they fall into a path or hobby (or parental pressure) and it grows, and they're pushed along, forgetting that at any point they can decide to follow another interest. They need to pick subjects to carry them through the last years of school, with limited experience in any of them. They need to pick University courses or jobs with a long career in mind, more or less when they're fifteen years old.

But it's not really how life works, so why do we set them up with this expectation placed upon them?

At a talk at one of the Universities, they asked everyone over 35 to put their hand up if they were still doing the thing they started when they left school. Not a single hand went up, including lecturer's. The conversations framed around the HSC are completely unrealistic.

I think we'd take a lot of pressure off school leavers if we made them understand this. The next step after the HSC means very little, in the grand scheme of thing.  Perhaps better advice for these kids, pressured into deciding their future at 18 is, as the art  professor says "Find something that makes you feel good, try it out. You're allowed to be wrong".

It doesn't matter if you don't know what you want to do next, just do whatever is in front of you, but do it with purpose and dedication, and to the best of your abilities.

We have mistakenly somehow turned the HSC into some sort of achievement in itself, and done a disservice to the students in the process. Rather than preparing for a new beginning, the focus is too sharp on marking the end of school. The students feel enormous (and unnecessary) pressure for the HSC exams, but as we see with the University drop out rates, they also aren't prepared for the expectations of what lies beyond the school gate.  We have failed them in their final year of school and their readiness for their choices afterwards.

There is a new push in schools to make pupils see that year 12 is actually a transitional preparation year, preparing the pupil for work or study after the completion of their school years. We need to remember the HSC is merely the starting point of adulthood, not a destination in itself and in no way should it be viewed with the importance of a 'Big Life Decision'.

Linking with #MLSTL as a reminder that in life there are really very few Big Life Decisions.

"Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors." The Kite Runner

Content warning - Suicide

We hear a lot of people say 'I just want them to be happy' but as the HSC approaches, we hear a very different tune from parents. Kids are currently pushed into University, into courses chosen at random that suits the parents ideas, not necessarily the student and this is why we currently see a drop out rate for Universities like never before.

There is an article floating around with the release of Too Soon Too Late with interviews on the loss of her child, Stuart Kelly. His mother, Kathy Kelly very generously shares a conversation that must have been difficult for her to admit in the public sphere. However it is a conversation I have heard plenty of friends repeat variations of, as they force their child to follow a path they aren't interested in. The full article is here (and note the content warning of suicide applies). Her son one day says he might do wood work and she replied  ‘oh, we didn’t struggle to send you through this school to have you turning timber.’ I am not judging her for this - I am infact admiring that she had the courage to share it in order to help others. I hear this all the time from parents, and if not specifically those words, the same idea built into the attitude of what their child should do with their HSC marks. She goes on to explain that she wouldn't care what he did, if only he was here. I don't think these words caused his decision to act, but as she later says “I just feel that I said all the wrong things, and we weren’t really listening to him." This is something we all do as parents and we don't really get to understand it without the benefit of hindsight. 

Perhaps we need to all listen a bit closer and remind ourselves that our children are not a reflection of us, nor is what matters to them always the same thing that matters to us. Maybe we let them try on their Plan A without pushing our idea of Plan B. Maybe we launch them into their plan so successfully it works, or if it doesn't, we help them find the steps for the new Plan A.

We chose to send them to an expensive school. They don't owe us a return on our investment any more than they do if we give them an expensive suit or dress for the formal.  If the child truly got a good education, they will have the ability to say politely, 'this is not what I want to do' and not waste their time or happiness trying to fulfill your ideal. If we are good parents, we don't get to decide what they become, we merely help them be who they want to be. It was a good lesson surmmarised in Avengers:Endgame "Everyone fails at who they're supposed to be...A measure of a person...is how well they succeed at being who they are". If we really want them to be happy, we need to let them in the driving seat, and try not to be the distracting backseat driver. Perhaps we need to celebrate the person in front of us, regardless of the potential that awaits in them tomorrow. Celebrate that success if and when it comes.

We also can't decide what will make them happy. We can be there to pick up the pieces should they make a wrong choice and decide they have failed, but we can't assume that if they aren't making lots of money or they don't have prestige, they aren't more content than those who do. Our recipe for happiness might not work for them. They are our children but they aren't, and never will be, us.

"I refuse to accept other people's ideas of happiness for me. As if there's a 'one size fits all' standard for happiness". Kanye West

Linking with #Blogtober21 on Education

This is well worth watching - if you don't have the spare 22 minutes, jump to the 11 mins through to 14 - what if everything I've been told isn't true? And again jump to the 19 mins. All my life I'd been told if you do this next step then you'll be happy.

Please note if you or someone you love needs help, please seek immediately. 
LifeLine (Australia) 13 11 14 anytime (or text 0477 131114 between 6pm-10pm) and note there are resources on the website. https://www.lifeline.org.au/

Black Dog https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/ 

Other counselling lines (24/7)  

Kids Helpline – 1800 55 1800
MensLine Australia – 1300 78 99 78
Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467
Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636
Open Arms - Veterans & Families Counselling – 1800 011 046

And if your life is in danger call emergency services:

• Emergency Australia – 000
• Emergency New Zealand – 111
• A&E UK - 999

UK counselling numbers listed here.

You are not alone. There is always someone to listen and to help you keep safe. 

What I learnt from the HSC

I honestly believe the parents have turned the HSC year into a nightmare for most students. The expectation that they must go to Uni, the idea that the ATAR is so important and that it's the only thing that matters. Here are a few things I've learnt over the last year.

1. Two Universities mentioned that only 26% of students get in on ATAR. That to me also said that 74% get in some other way. So I started looking at the other ways, and let me tell you, there are plenty! In year 11 start checking out the Uni websites. There are scholarships and many early entry options. My daughter had one early entry offer prior to sitting the HSC, then got 2 more offers, all prior to receiving her ATAR. She did get guaranteed entry to the University of her choice with her ATAR, but there were options already there if she didn't. As I always say, you want options. If you have a choice, then it's your decision.

2. When the marks come out, celebrate the HSC day. Those HSC marks really don't mean anything (they're just numbers that look good and add up all together to a big number) so celebrate those. Even with a good ATAR, a lot of kids are disappointed because they didn't meet their expectation, so better if you're already had the celebration the day before.

3. Once you get in to Uni, or decide you aren't going to Uni, the HSC doesn't mean anything. And the ATAR is irrelevant. So breathe easy.

4. You want to travel or work straight from school, get that dream happening as quickly as possible. Satisfaction and self esteem (and drive) will thrive if you do. Not to mention you'll be getting real money. There's no need not to start working straight after exams.

5. If you want to go to TAFE or learn a trade, there are great options where you are paid to do the course. Track those down. It's just as good getting paid to learn as paying to learn. (Hint, it's actually better to be paid - they already see your potential).

6. If others don't see the value in what you want to do, hold your ground, keep your head high and prove them wrong. There are no jobs better than other jobs if they make you happy. Don't believe anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

7. Don't be scared if you don't have a dream. Just apply yourself to whatever the job is in front of you. There used to be a word meaning to travel purposefully toward an as-yet-unknown destination. It's Coddiwomple. Do that.

8. You don't have to wait until you reach your goal to be proud of yourself. Be proud (and celebrate) every step you take. (quote from Karen Salmansohn).

9. If you like it, it doesn't feel like work. Maybe that's what you need to look for in a career path. And when you don't like it, maybe you change path. What you decide to do now, may (and probably will) change. What you actually start to do now, doesn't send you to an unalterable destination.

10. Always remember, opportunity dances with those already on the dancefloor. There is no right path, but you do need to get moving!

Last one is for the parents. You love your child but they aren't you. What you think is important might be irrelevant to them. Or they might need time to work out what makes them tick. When talking stress to a GP, she said 'I didn't get the mark I wanted out of school, and I couldn't get into the course I wanted to do, and I didn't even want to be a doctor. I started a different course, transferred into my course and realised I hated it. THAT was the moment I realised I wanted to do medicine.' Our measure of success applies to us alone. Everyone else has their own yardstick.

Good luck to future students, and to those starting out on their futures, remember the world is your oyster. Enjoy the exciting time of possibilities. Job satisfaction is the measure of success. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make that happen.

Linking with #Lifethisweek because point 2 is really important and now is a good time to remind people!

And then again, she's gone....

I'll be MIA over the next few days as my eldest has her first three days of exams. While I'm not loving life much this week, I am grateful the exams have finally started.

Good luck to the year 12 HSC exam takers around the country. Remember, it's just like the trials except you're more prepared because you've done the trials plus any work you've done since then. So relax!

For the parents, a brilliant article and great conversation to remind your kids that the HSC really only defines the next 3 months and is pretty much irrelevant after that. Also remind your child that the mark is only relevant if they want to go to Uni, and if they do, there are many ways to get there, so it's only an obstacle if you let it be. The SMH article is here and Sharna Clemmett's excellent story of achievement is here. Both are well worth taking the time to read.

This came up on my FB from a year ago, and I don't know where I got it from so if it was you, let me know.

Remember as the article says, the HSC only defines your the starting point, it doesn't define your destination.

Good luck, and if you can, relax and enjoy!

Linking with #LovingLifeLinky

13 years of school

It's the last week of school for my eldest. Together we've had a journey of thirteen years of school. This week is parties, farewells and graduation. Then in a few weeks the exam and formal.
And then no more. Ever.

I'm very excited at all the change ahead. Be it work or university, the new friends, the new lifestyle. (Hopefully a bit more help around the house??)

Suddenly there's a new adult in the house. I'm not too stressed about the exams, even though she may not get the marks she's after. I figure she'll get into something and can always move on from there if she needs to.

My middle child chided me with an irritated "You know I still have to go to school next term?" when I spoke merrily of school year being over - it does feel like it is for me! But then it hit me. I may have voyaged thirteen years of school with one kid, but I have another eight more years in playgrounds and assemblies to go. The reminding of assignments, the coaxing to study, the 'do you have your...' before they walk out the door. It makes me tired at the tediousness of it all.

My enthusiastic celebration is slightly tainted with the thought that I have to do it all again and again long into the future. I'll have spent 21 years of my life as a school parent.

Yet I should consider myself very lucky that I do get to do just that and treasure those fleeting moments for in a blink of an eye, I'll be at my very last graduation and then my children will be gone, replaced by adults with their own lives and families.

I hope when my youngest is in his final year, that I will be equally happy and excited at closing that door. I hope I won't be sad and feel loss, as some people do. I hope I'll be able to revel at the prospect of his future finally on the horizon.

So for those in their HSC year, my advice is to just enjoy it. This is the fun time, not to be spoiled with worries of marks (because realistically, you will sit the exams and you get what you get - worrying won't help at all. Study in the next few weeks, of course, but don't mar the next few days with stress). There are great new adventures to come, regardless as to whether you get the mark you wanted or needed. These last days of school are probably the most carefree you will ever be.

Make the most of them.

Your life is just beginning!

Linking with #KCACOLS #StayClassyMama and #MummyMondays

Once you're in it, it's okay

Deb Cook responded to my post last week 'Oh, isn't that interesting that the stuff you expect to be stressful isn't (the HSC trials) and relaxing dinners out can be?!' and she got me thinking. A lot of our stressful situations, we create. Had you asked me even a month ago, would my child and I have fun lunches on the way to an HSC trial exam, I would never have expected the answer to be yes.

Having seen a few friends get teary at their child's graduation and feel feelings of loss at the end of their role as a school parent, awaiting the pending empty nest and all that it means, I was expecting a wave of sadness and loss as my eldest left school. I was completely unprepared for the feelings of pride and excitement when I received the email to my own child's graduation ceremony - I understand this is my first graduation and their last, so maybe I'll be in the same boat later down the line. However, for now, I'm excited at her new adventures, and at the person she's becoming.

In a surprising turn of events, I don't even care now about the HSC. As she madly fills out application forms, I figure she'll get into something, one way or another, so does the ATAR even matter? Perhaps it is us, the adults in the education system and the parents of those doing year 12 that need to change the stress levels for our children. Given 40-50% of year 11 and 12 students suffer clinical emotional distress, maybe our focus needs to put it in a more realistic frame. My child is still sitting the same exams, but the stress free trials experience seems to have altered the 'importance' of the exams. They're just exams. Same as all the other ones you've done before in 12 years of schooling.

I am very much the person expecting the worst, in order to be prepared, but perhaps I'd be better parking that energy and just waiting to see how it plays out? When my father was dying, I came across the audio book This is How by Augusten Burroughs. While driving to and from the hospital each day, I learnt how to let someone die and how to cope with being diagnosed with a terminal illness. His book talks of the anticipatory stress being far worse than the actual terrible thing happening. The truth of the matter is "Once you're in it, it's okay" The outcome was the same awful loss it was always going to be, but the book helped me make it less painful for both me and Dad. I really made the most of the time we had, even though he was stuck in a hospital for months. I made it matter and we shared some really special moments in those last crappy months.

If this was true for the painful loss of a parent, how can it not be true for such a simple thing as exams? Or something as positive as a child growing into an adult and stretching their wings into the wide world?

As daunting as you feel it will be, as big an obstacle as it appears, always remember, no matter what you are facing, once you're in it, it's okay.

Linking with #BookNook

(This is How is excellent - it covers among other things, how to be thin, how to be fat, how to be confident, how to fail, how to get a job, how to feel less regret and so many other things. I am eternally grateful for discovering this book in my library by accident when I did. It made me get through three incredibly difficult months without regrets, and cope with a loss I thought I'd never be able to bear.I can not recommend this book enough.)