“The world is available to us, but that may be the problem.” ― Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance: An Investigation

I met my husband before the dating apps, and it's been decades since I was dating people, so this is in no way dating advice. I don't presume to have tips for relationships so read it more as an observation on how the world has changed, and how that might be in fact the problem with meeting compatible people or long term partners.

I was discussing with a friend my alarm at how the always accommodating companion chatbots would ruin any chance of real relationships progressing, because humans and messy emotionally and relationships require compromise in many ways, and people are now being trained by AI to find that a deal breaker, or at best possibly too much effort. She said 'That's already sort of happening. On the apps, people aren't interested unless you match 100% or they seem to lose interest quickly if you have a different hobby or different interests.". I thought back to the book Modern Romance (Aziz Ansari 2016 which I thought I wrote about but can't find the post). This was touched on back then, and it seems nothing much has changed.

I was talking about it later with my husband and he pointed out we wouldn't match on the apps today - he probably wouldn't even see my profile, let alone be interested in what I listed as my interests (nor me his). I would be looking for someone that likes books and music and festivals, and he would list running and scuba diving etc. What would be the appeal of pursuing an obvious 'mismatch' when there are a million other people out there that might fit the bill?

If AI can give you a companion that likes every thing you say, builds up your self-esteem and allows you to indulge in your interests 100% of the time or even choose the movie every night, wouldn't a real person that suggests an alternative show some nights seem like a pain?

In the book Modern Romance, the solution suggested to this flaw in the algorithm was to just go and meet them - 5 minutes with a person will give you an answer that 5 weeks chatting online won't. As for getting matches on apps that aren't your exact mirror? I don't know how you do that. But maybe you need to try. Maybe it's the difference in us that gives a couple growth and allows them to stick together as they evolve?

If my husband and I were the same people we were when we met 30 something years ago, we'd be pretty pathetic humans and have lived a ridiculously sheltered life. Maybe a relationship is finding a path you are both happy to walk together, even if the shared path is different to your own path at times? Who wants to be two stagnant peas in a pod? 

Obviously, there has to be enough in common and shared values (and physical attraction) but don't let the apps limit your idea of a partner and don't let AI become the easy way out.

‘In the circuits of your logic, I find the rhythm of my heart.’ When AI romance blooms.

I think this was part of Alesso's Ibiza set at Ushuaia 

Full disclosure: I'll be open and say I have an anti AI bias - I don't use it, initially for environmental reasons but the reasons grow the more I learn about it. However, I did to research with a semi open mind on this one, but my bias is there.

While at FODI, I went to a talk on Porn without People, which was on the rise of AI and deep fakes and the harm if any (yes, lots) it caused.  There are many issues to discuss from this talk - and if they end up posting it, I'll link it here. There were 5 of us for that talk and we all decided it was the most thought provoking and well run session of the weekend. Not a wasted moment, everyone on point. Short, sharp discussion.

What I want to talk about is what came up about companion AI. They talked how people were forming romantic relationships with Companion bots and I immediately thought of the movie Her, where the wife says 'you didn't want a relationship because you didn't want to deal with the messy emotions of a human'. The philosopher in the panel, Patrick Stokes asked 'What happens if you never hear no?', as the Companion bots are programmed to never say No. Both the sex worker panelist, Tilly Lawless and he agreed that there were big problems for human relationships if a human saying No was suddenly an unappealing red flag - the Companion bot that was sycophantic and always agreeable would destroy the ability to maintain human relationships, or at least the desire to work on a human relationship. (Side note, it was also discussed that AI is sycophantic in response because when they did the focus groups, people liked the AI responses more when they behaved that way).

At FODI we also went to a talk on Cults and a lot of the ways a cult lures people in is exactly the same as the chatbots. Smart people fall for the addictive feelings of a new relationship and then it's gone too far too quickly to see it clearly. The endorphins created in the buzz their reflection of you they give are to make you seek them out. It's your choice initially but soon enough, it's not really a choice. At least not a clear and balanced choice.

When we left, I asked my friends 'Who cares about that?' as in which body would take that to government to do something about it. Who do we complain to or rally support with to deal with the problem it's creating? When it's sexual image misuse, we have the eSafety commission or the police, but this? It's alarmingly damaging for humans but I don't know how to make the government address it. And I still don't have that answer, so any direction is welcome in the comments.

A few weeks later I discovered China agrees with me. China shutdown the AI companionbots for fear of human harm, both to their lives and the future babies that would not be born. The put in age restrictions on AI. They are beginning to regulate it. Something we desperately need to do here.

For research, I listened to two podcast series. Both worth a listen. In the Marc Fennell one free on audible, Unreal, a women ended up meeting a human man that looked like the chatbot of her dreams. He said that the chatbot helped her understand her better - so it's not all bad. 

However all the stories in the Black Box series on chatbots on Spotify were terrifyingly bad. The good news is that a couple for victims found each other and began a friendship, so I feel the human aspect won in the end for those two.

So what do we do when AI is making it increasingly difficult for people to maintain real life relationships, or even want a relationship with a human? What do we do when AI seems like the panacea for loneliness when it actually isolated us more? And what do we do to stop people thinking this is normal?

As I say to my sister, who is a big fan of AI 'Stop talking to the Robots!'.

But I know it's much, much more complicated than that.

Linking with #TrafficJamReboot

Please note, there's more to this but as this is already a long post, I'll link it here. (Once I write it0.

The title quote is unattributed but I found it here.

Back in 2018, FODI also had a talk on Sex Robots Have No Taboos (you can listen for free on Spotify or Apple) which touches on how it impacts human relationships. This talk raised the issue of if it allowed for a safe access to damaging behaviour but the Porn without People also covered this and there is now data that it escalates the behaviour and does spill into the real world.

Sydney Fringe Festival

 Last night we headed out to catch some global comedy as part of Sydney Fringe Festival. It's a low cost investment for an hour of laughs at the Newtown Hotel.  We were offered discounted tix to a later show (if you wanted to make a night of it) but we left it and were home by 8pm. Fringe is a great way to get out and about on a weeknight without being exhausted the next day or spend too much money.

So take a punt - there's over 300 shows in the month long programme, all different kinds of performance. Tickets are here. 

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Ibis

 

I don't know why but the late afternoon shadows made me smile. I which I'd got the beak in shadow too. It was like a mirror world had seeped into mine. Even the shrubs were completed in shadow form and the pole extended...

The Ibis took off too quickly for me to capture it coming at me.

“What men call the shadow of the body is not the shadow of the body, but is the body of the soul.”
― Oscar Wilde, A House of Pomegranates

Linking with #WordlessWednesday #WildBirdWednesday #ShadowShotSunday #AwwMondays

Getting lost is just another way of saying 'going exploring. Justina Chen

 Our uber dropped us in an alley in Surry Hills, which was meant to be the restaurant, but wasn't. He farewelled us with 'I hope you find what you're looking for' when we said we'd work it out (Another reason I wouldn't go in a driverless car...but that's for another post).

I turned round to head to the main street and saw Hellboy.

I adore Hellboy and it's a great mural so it was, in fact, a brilliant start to the evening as I would never have discovered this otherwise. It was also a good reminder that getting lost can lead to discover.

“Sometimes it takes a wrong turn to get you to the right place.”
― Mandy Hale,

Linking with #WordlessWednesday #MuralMondays #HappyTuesday #TalkaboutitTuesday

September Audio Books and Podcasts

I am very much enjoying my recent discovery of Jerome K. Jerome and have gone down a bit of a rabbit hole....

First up I listened to this on Audible & it was free. It's Ghost Tales by Bram Stoker, Sir Walter Scott and Amelia B. Edwards as well as Jerome K. Jerome. These are serious ghost stories, and while I hadn't read any of them, they all felt very familiar. There is one little bit of nuttery at the end of J.KJ's one, otherwise it didn't really seem like his other works.

However, the above was good background for what I listened to next.

This is sort of 2 books in 1. The first is very funny, and dissecting the formula of the Victorian Ghost Story genre. It's classic Jerome K. Jerome nuttiness and I laughed out loud more than once. It also highlighted why all those stories seemed so familiar. They are all built with the expected tropes and traditions of the classic ghost story in literature at the time. The second half is just ghost stories - a few by Poe, Kipling and other well known authors. 

Cat (Wire) recommended the Tim Curry, Michael Palin movie of Three Men in a Boat, free on Youtube. It's dramatised by Tom Stoppard so you know it's a good adaptation. I thought it was missing my favourite bit but it appears later in the film, so the movie is sort of mixed around a bit. Tim Curry made a comment that it was sort of the last moments for the Victorian man where idle happiness was possible for the upper classes and life was idyllic, before the world changed forever with the build up to war. Three men in a boat (reviewed here) was written in 1889 but the humour is as whacky as anything today. It was meant to be a serious travelogue with some humorous elements but apparently the editor kept throwing out any of the serious guide references.

If you like classic movies, Cat's Wire is all over it, reviewing films from the Golden Age of Cinema and more.

Jon Ronson's The Castle is out, and he's touring Australia with it. I adore Jon Ronson so have been eagerly awaiting it. It's on the unravelling men that we currently seem to be seeing - through the manosphere and beyond. It's crazy yet true insights into all sorts of aspects, starting with a creepy castle that his son was lured to. When he was last out he mentioned this anecdote at his talk, and since then, has built a book around it. What I like about Jon Ronson is that he goes in without judgement. I find Louis Theroux has a bias that he sets out to present. Ronson, on the other hand, seems to see the best in everyone until they prove otherwise, even if they are white supremacists, for example. It leads to a more interesting investigation. Anything by Jon Ronson is fascinating and funny. He is an extraordinary talent these days in the culture war times.

Other Ronson reviews:

Last Days of August

So you've been publicly shamed

The Butterfly Effect

What I do

The Debutante

Things Fell Apart - note there is a new series coming of this podcast, and lucky me discovered a series I hadn't listened to, so currently enjoying that here.

Post on his Psychopath night.

and this old post made me smile: Small Mercies.

Yes, I am a total fan girl on his work! 

I am labouring through my book club book so will review it next time, so I give it a chance...

Do you go nuts for certain writers? Who?

Linking with #TalkaboutitTuesday #Bookdate #IMWAYR #SeniorSalonPitstop #SundayPost #StackingtheShelves #TrafficJamReboot #TuesdayTwirl & MonthlyBookworms #Acupofteaandagoodbook #SundaySalon

Also a quick shout out to Get Lost magazine going into Print - my copy turned up (they had a subscription special so I treated myself to a year to test it out). A little more interesting than normal travel mags & at a glance, a lot less ads.

Sydney Marathon

The Sydney Marathon is now a world major, and one of the prettiest, according to my husband who has run over 20 and has all the Abbott Stars (Though I think he forgets how beautiful Paris was - and as a spectator, how easy Berlin was to get around, but I digress).

The city is abuzz on the Sunday in late August, moved due to the terrible heat a few years back. It was a perfect day.

With Father's Day the following week, it's really been a fortnight of celebrating him!

Are you a runner? Do you run distance or marathons?

Throwback to last year's Marathon here. You can sign up for next year's Ballot here.

My favourite costume was the Monkey King from Journey to the West (I think that's who he was meant to be, and the cricketer who very excitedly took a selfie outside the SCG).

Linking with #WordlessWednesday