All grown up

This week, the last of my children became an adult. I've no babies left. Except they're all my babies, and always will be, except for now, it's only the mid twenties child that appreciates that. 

I work hard to stay in my lane, and be a parent of adults, which is hard - hard if they're at home and hard when they live on their own and you try not to message all the time in between visits.

It looks like the last two of my kids will move out of home next year, though the youngest to college so back and forth a little. This terrifies me - not for them, how wonderful! For me. What does that mean? A large part of the last 20 years has been focused on them. I've arranged my whole life, my work, my ability to work, my outings, my friendships, trips away, being home, every day has been arranged around them and where they need to be or what they need. Instead of breathing a sigh of relief that it's finally my turn, I see empty rooms yawning, a never ending chorus of silence in the house nagging at me and longing. There will be so much longing. I will miss them. I miss who they were and I miss who they are - I don't see them enough, we don't play together enough like we used to, when they were a little gang of primary school kids. Of course, it's normal, and it is enough for them. They have their own lives now. I know that. I don't want to guilt them the way our parents generation guilted us. I don't want our time spent together to be a hassle or obligation. I want it to be fun, maybe even something they look forward to.

I have written before that our job as parents is to learn to be parents of adults. We have to adjust our expectations of control. We have to love and respect who they are. We have to give them their freedom. That can be harder than it should be.

Especially as for many of us, it is an era over. It is time that we treasured and now grieve. But we shouldn't. Putting together the slide show for the party, I was inundated with so many moments of love and laughter frozen in time. The trio that played together, my permanent entourage, then the inseparable duo, then the lone teen...we had a wonderful life all together, but she's been an only child for awhile now. That family time that I feel has ended this week really started to dissolve many years ago. As it does. As it should.

So maybe it is me that needs to realise I'm all grown up. And that has to be a good thing? 

As I wrote in this post 'a chapter has closed. I need to focus on the excitement of a whole new book awaiting to be opened!'

Linking with #TrafficJamReboot

The photo is from the Shuji Terayama Memorial Museum in Misawa. Part of the exhibit, you fossick through his desk drawers with a flashlight and discover the treasures and memories from his life and work. His poems refer to his love-hate relationship with his mother, and I hope my kids only have fondness for me, not tainted like his. But I felt the picture was a reflection of my mourning of being a childless mother.

A day in the life...

The last few weeks I've had to drop everything and race across town to look after my mum (often staying overnight at her place or long days/nights in the hospital). So my days have lost all their routine.

The car trip is two and a half hours with traffic round trip, so the only upside is I am getting through my far too long book club book on audible. 

I am cancelling plans and getting more and more stressed about falling behind at work. I don't feel I'll see friends for a long while, and am missing quality time with my patient husband and kids. 

My youngest is in the middle of her HSC trials and her 18th is next week. I am feeling the weight of guilt that I am letting her down, and the stress of how to try and get her party organised. I'm determined not to cancel it, though I have to admit I've probably destroyed her chances of good marks these exams and that is eating at me.

I know it has to be done, but I am feeling stressed, physically exhausted and mentally overwhelmed. I am hoping my sister can start to help out a little, though Mum seems to feel it's easier for me, even though I live further away and have dependants. I guess I have a good game face.

I am struggling because I'm not doing right by anyone else. I feel I'm carrying a weight of things to come, while tripping over all the balls I've dropped in my life.

However, while the hospital care is not ideal (even private doesn't seem to get results, they just want to be get you temporarily well enough to send home - so you return in the middle of the night two days later), I am trying to see joy in the small things when I can. The walk from the car to the hospital gets me out in the warm sun, and the leafy suburb brought the joys of huge cockatoos and the delight of a rabbit. I also saw my first cherry blossom of the season! I managed a quick 3km walk in the setting sun, so while I'm not been getting exercise, I'm trying to get movement when I can, and it can seem even more precious.

I am currently waiting to see if I got booked for speeding in a roadworks zone - so every time the mail comes and there's no ticket (and more importantly, all my points are intact!), I feel a wave of relief & there is unbelievable joy in that...In my defence is was 2.30 am when I drove back from emergency and I drove 40km all the way through the road work to the lead up to the Harbour Bridge but I was sure I saw a sign that said 70km at the start of the bridge so started to speed up when on the bridge. Because I was tired I was driving carefully but I think I was going 55-60km when I saw the flashing 40km lights and slowed down. It was then that I noticed the cop car in my review window.

This morning, on the way home from dropping my kiddo at an exam, my ABC full story podcast mentioned A Sandwich Generation podcast and while I couldn't find the one they said, I discovered there are a lot of them. I listened to this one and it's already made me feel better because she touches on the guilt of not being present for your children and the invisible mental load. I will add more good ones here as I listen to them. This one has advice including 'you only need to be the parent you want to be 50% of the time, and cut yourself some slack'. I don't know if I'll really believe that but it was good to hear.

Linking with #FloralFridayFoto #TellUsAbout

It would be remiss to end without mentioning this song. I used to really love it as a kid. Now it seems really bleak and dark. It does however. feel remarkably current with the way the news is now voyeuristically presented online, and the way our feeds can show suffering and death as if it's nothing.

I have to say, this made me laugh - in a 'I feel ya!' vibe. Sometimes the small joys are really small!

Steal a moment of happiness while you can

My mum is in and out of hospital at the moment - I've been having to stay with her or spend an hour driving to the hospital at all hours, and then an hour back. It's been draining, added to the guilt of not being around enough for my youngest who is in the middle of the HSC trials (second final exams). It's disruptive. I'm cancelling plans and giving away tickets, missing events with friends I'd been looking forward to.

During a stay at her place when she was sent home from hospital, I told mum I was going for a quick walk while the sun was still out.

It felt so good getting my cardio up, stretching my limbs while being warmed by the late afternoon sun.

I looked on google maps and headed to the bush. Alas, I couldn't find a safe way down to a track, so I just got to look at the little creek from above. I felt I couldn't risk falling when she thought I was just going for a walk around the block!

The bird noises, the insects, the running water and the dappled light made me feel a million miles away for a moment. I felt lucky. I felt happy (instead of exhausted and sorry for myself and guilty).

Just for a moment and then it was time to head back. Briefly transformed, but re-energised to make the most of it. For her, and for me.

Sunshine is a welcome thing. It brings a lot of brightness." - Jimmie Davis

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This song was playing as I walked into the bush. It seems a perfectly timed soundtrack for that stolen moment of peace! 

Archibald, Wynne and Sulman Prizes 2026

Every year the Art Gallery of NSW hosts this exhibition and all of Sydney heads out to see it, discuss it and argue over the judges decisions and the more popular Packer's Prize. It ends August 16, tickets here.

I was delighted to see some of my favourite local charity guys celebrated - Plate it Forward and Wayside Chapel and of course local street art legend Fintan Magee.

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Tell us about...Poetry

I am not a regular reader of poetry, nor do I write about it much. I did write this post last year  about one of my favourite 'poetic' sayings, and not long after I wrote about my Dad's random poetry reciting at bizarre moments, and how it's wired into my brain.

As I looked for some books to make their way to my Street library, I stumbled across this, still unread 35 years later and thought I might give it a go...and my well read friend suggested I listen to Sir Ian McKellen read it on Audible if I chuck it in (which I probably will).

As a child, I grew up with the poems of  A.A.Milne, Ogden Nash and of course Lear's The Owl and the Pussy Cat. I had the Childcraft series and the volume with stories and poems was my favourite.

But then you stop reading it.

In High School poetry reading returns and I loved Browning and Auden and discovered Housman and his ode to getting drunk* (which I can still recite that paragraph...it's so weird what sticks and what doesn't!). I can't recall how I even found that poem but I loved it. It seemed so irreverent.

My blog bio on Twitter borrows from Mary Oliver. I read her much later, in Uni I think but all her poetry is great. Accessible but on point, especially for women.

And of course, Ozymandias who ironically does stand the test of time at least for now - I see the statue and hear the poem  in my head all over the world, when I travel. Rome, Malta, all the ancient civilisations will echo with the wise words. Even when I see certain billionaires desperate for a legacy in the news, I think 'Guess he never read Shelley'.

It's crazy what is suddenly recalled. At Nantes, walking to the chateau, I instantly thought of this poem (and this picture from our Childcraft series from my childhood). I haven't thought of that poem in 50 years, but I saw the flowers and started to rattle it off in my head and thought of the illustration in the book. I guess there is something more to the rhyme or beat than we realise - it cements the words and the images in our heads. A little like songs with built in music. Or rap, I guess...

So why do we stop reading it? Why don't we seek it out more than we do, when we know what enjoyment it can bring and how it paints our world, our inner thoughts and the way we process the world we move through? 

I honestly don't know.

Poems are like concentrated books. They offer insight and introspection in few words. You can dip in and be done, so there's really no excuse, and yet it's a form that we often neglect in our reading...

Writing this, and struggling to get my thoughts together (I found this a very difficult prompt, to be honest), I have reminded myself of how much I enjoy poetry. So I think I will add a poem review in my book reviews. Once a month I will track down a new (to me) poem that meant something, or appealed in to me in some way.

Who do you think I should start with? Or do you have a favourite poem?

Linking with #TellUsAbout

While I said I don't read it often, I am trying to read more - and last year I reviewed two poetry books - here and here.

*Terence, This is Stupid Stuff

Linking with #TalkaboutitTuesday

Travel Reading - July

Because I was travelling, my reading this month was set in certain cities or countries. First up was French Exit for Paris. I got it out of a street library and I've not seen the movie. I lent it to my Mum first and she did not like it. I have to say, I thought it was funny and kooky though very dark.

So I liked it, but am wary it may not be for everyone.

This is a graphic novel I purchased in Nantes. It doesn't seem to be available in English and the pages I looked at in the shop I could read. It's won a number of awards. I started to read it but needed to translate more than was helpful for plan travel or other spots with no internet, so I will get to it soon now that I am home. (English description here)

. 

This book is set in Ibiza. I had very low expectations but I actually enjoyed it. Less the club life and more the island life, and the villa visitors. It covers climate change and drought and the impact of foreign money and foreigners and of course family relationships. It's an easy read but I did find myself asking questions to taxi drivers based on things in the book. I was pleasantly surprised with this one.

She has a regeneration farm in Ibiza (and this article made me think it's probably where her idea came from for the book). I think it's being turned into a movie but I can't remember where I read that. As an aside, her photo is that of the Liam Neeson's dead wife in Love Actually.

This book I chose for Tokyo, and I enjoyed it. It's a little look at life and how complicated it is, or how uncertain humans are. It's a lovely look at relationships and what we want, or just knowing ourselves. It has a really lovely line about how for some of us, we spend our whole life just trying to work out what we want to do with it, and that it's okay to take a 'little rest in the long journey of your life'. (It's a great paragraph for those HSCers who don't yet know what they want to do).

This I read in the Library in the Earth at Kurkku Fields.

It's a beautiful picture book and was perfect for a library built around the concept of wonder. I relaxed in my little reading nook, in the cool of the library and revelled in the drawings. As it was in Japanese, I don't know the name of this gorgeous surrealist work, so if anyone can help me, please let me know!

While I was in Aomori, I was delighted to find this little book on the Tokyo Toilet Project, as I'd planned to visit all the Toilets in the movie Perfect Days. This project started in 2018 to renovate 17 toilets across Shibuya to make them accessible to everyone regardless of age, gender or disability. It was interesting to learn that Wim Wenders had been approached to make a movie about the project, as I had only learnt of it through the movie.  This is a handy little book for anyone planning their own excursion to all 17, as it has maps, pictures and information on the architects.

I started this book while staying in Shibuya and have about a quarter left to go. I'm enjoying it a lot, Again another book about a woman who doesn't really know what she wants to do in life. It's funny but also a little mean, revolving around the relationship between a young woman who goes to stay with a much older friend of her mother's for awhile. Set in Sasazuka, Shibuya and Shinjuku, it's great to be able to flesh out the scenery and streets in my head.

I only just realised I went to the station that features heavily in the plot, as it is also the location of this toilet.

Do you read books set in certain locations when you travel?

What have been some of the best you've found?

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Bear Season

When I was up north in Japan, I suddenly realised I was in bear country. A quick google showed the bears came right into town. I read all about what I should do if I saw a bear and my panic grew (I am carrying a lot more past trauma than I realised from the Polar Bear incident). I had thought I'd walk to the station early in the morning, but as the web advice recommend waiting until 8, I worked myself into a panic. I then decided I would get a taxi, even though it was only a 10 minute walk (I had been told it was a 15 minute walk and google maps thought it was 22 for some daft reason).

I asked at reception and told him I was scared of bears (not lazy) and he laughed but humoured me. The shuttle bus driver dropped me off as it was that close that he could be back for his pick up time (it was minutes in the car). As I watched all the school kids arrive on their own, I was embarrassed. More so when I walked home and discovered it was probably 5 minutes - 6 minutes walk at the most!

In my defence, even the tourist office in town had bear signs!

At a number of the sculpture gardens, I played music and stomped about as loudly as I could (in lieu of bear bells). I was constantly looking around in a panic, as I was the only person in the woods more often than not.

The thing is, I don't live in a place with bears so I didn't realise quite what a problem I had. It doesn't come up. It is something to keep in mind for future travels.

This is a bear bin (and snow) and was in the middle of town. So it was not all in my head. And the app confirmed my worries!

"The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort". Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Linking with #WordlessWednesday (esme) and #WordlessWednesday (Sandee)