Sunday 1 November 2015

Lack of Respect

The Motherish had a post where a mother was complaining that her husband watched scary movies with her son behind her back, and that she'd been dealing with his sleep issues for years, not knowing that this was where part of the problem stemmed from.
I was more puzzled that she wasn't angry that he was deliberately lying to her.

To me, the issue was that he was saying to his son, 'I don't respect her, and you don't need to either' and that it was perfectly acceptable to do things that she wouldn't like, as long as you kept it secret from her.

I don't think he needed to have her approval to let her son watch scary movies. It's his son too, and he should be able to parent as he sees fit. If an argument or discussion evolves because of the difference of opinion, so be it. Parenting, like marriage, is about finding the middle ground. However, to decide that you don't care for your wife's feelings or opinion and that you'll just do what you want in secret, is displaying a lack of respect for your partner that I imagine is hard for her to overcome. It would put every thing you do in doubt, taint everything you say. As I've said before,  'It is better to have the argument before hand than argue later and bring betrayal into the already difficult situation'.

The deceit cracks the relationship, bringing a fissure into the ties of the couple. It's not an affair, it's not a gambling problem but it's destructive all the same.

I'm glad for that couple that she is only focusing on the inappropriateness of the scary movies, and I hope for them that the issue resolves itself. As they say in the book, Water for Elephants "at some point the secret itself becomes irrelevant. The fact that you kept it does not."

Linking with #MummyMondays


  1. You need to find a middle ground between parents as one cannot always get their own way.

  2. It is hard not to think that somehow this issue has got blown out of proportion.

    1. It's me who you think has blown it out of proportion - the blog post was just about the sleep/scary movie issue. I just think it shows a total lack of respect for his wife, and I'd be really hurtif my husband thought it was ok to do whatever he wanted and lie to me about it - keep it secret or whatever he termed it. Still showing that he cares little for what you think or your feelings.

  3. It's definitely disrespectful to do things that are counterintuitive to other things that you are trying to manage as a parent.
    As a side note, my dad used to let us kids watch scary movies when mum was out, it was always Stephen King, The Shining, Christine, Cujo. I had the worst nightmares, particularly after The Shining. I was about 8 at the time!

  4. I cannot fathom how lying about it wasn't a problem. :/

  5. I just read that, I would certainly have an issue with this given his propensity to nightmares! Eek!

  6. I am with you Lydia when it comes to not respecting your partner's wishes. I completely get where you're coming from. Love your Water for Elephants quote. That says so much ...

  7. I think both the lying and the scary movies are a problem. Parenting should a partnership, with agreed boundaries for the kids, enforced by both parents. Clearly scary movies are not OK with this child if it's giving him nightmares. And don't get me started on the lying. Just not good enough.

  8. That Water for Elephants quote is pure gold. I think honesty, trust and respect are the perfect recipe for a healthy and happy relationship. Thanks for linking up with the Ultimate Rabbit Hole.

  9. Hmm a couple of problems here...
    Lying is never ok in a marriage or partnership.
    And parenting is hard enough without there kinds of issues thrown in. If that were my hubby I'd be really really angry! Xx

  10. We used to have a 'thing' - if K asked one of us about something we would say "What did Mom/Dad say ?" and stick with whatever the other parent had said. Then later we would talk about it if one of us disagreed with what had happened but we always presented a united front to her. If we agreed that whoever had said no was wrong, we would go back and apologise for the decision and if possible, let it happen. I doubt you will ever get parents who agree on absolutely everything their children want to do, but we felt we needed to present a united front so that she didn't start playing one of us off against the other.