The world in B&W

This B&W version of this photo is dull and shadowy, when in real life, it looked B&W anyway, but with a more dramatic light. See here.

Linking with #WordlessWednesday #SundayBest #WeekendinB&W #WordlessWednesday

August Audio Books

 I read 4 books while I was away but since I got back three weeks ago, I've only listened to books, and finished one paperback title which I started while travelling.

That sort of makes me sad but it's where I'm at.

However, these should be available through your library borrowing (if in Australia).

From BorrowBox.

I did not really get into this book. I should have because I found the time period interesting, and the historical location. I also really liked there was a Japanese bomber as well as the Darwin locals, so you got two insights into the events. However, it's too long and I just didn't care by the end. Which I'm sorry to say as I know he's beloved and I really enjoyed Boy Swallows Universe, even though it's not my usual thing. So feel free to correct me.

I really enjoyed this book. I devoured it in 2 days. I know there's been a lot of complaints about this title, and on twitter there was a thread about it being the most overhyped book and biggest let down. I found it the other way around, but I hadn't really heard anything about it except it was about the Insta trad wife craze. I don't follow any of those, and one complaint was that she was so unlikeable, but I thought we were meant to think that, so I found her character funny (laughing at her, not with her) and hypercritical from the start, but I felt that was what we were meant to feel about her. So when she talked about the Angry women, I laughed that I was one of them, and that was how we are viewed. As for implausibility, I read the Shari Franke book, having known nothing about 8 Passengers and that book was unfathomable and yet real. It was completely incomprehensible so I didn't think this was over the top at all. It does perplex me that this trad wife promotion is popular, so I thought it was an interesting insight into the hypocrisy and potential damage of it all - very different to a stay at home mum, please note. I'm not casting shade there. I didn't see what was coming, and it's an easy, fun read.

From Libby.

I picked this book for the title - as my feet are also my focus with age. It's written by the writer of The Dressmaker and covers both ageing  and some Hollywood adventures. I enjoyed it but I did at times find it a little depressing. We all age at different rates but as things slow down I lament the fun that will evaporate. I have one crew that love festivals and dancing, but most of my friends do not. With my mum at the moment, her talk of her husband's decline and care was really depressing for me. She covers a lot so I'm pretty sure there's something for everyone in it.

I thought I already wrote a review on this but I can't find it so sorry if I'm repeating myself. He is a very good writer, and at times the work is heavy to process. This is a memoir style, and a flawed human is looking back on moments they feel are significant in some way - but as we humans do, they aren't necessarily what we traditionally call milestones. It jumps around, as our thoughts do. It dresses up others actions and intentions. I spent quite a bit of the book feeling unease (in reviews it is often described as haunting, and I can't argue with that). It's an old man (a character, not Banville himself) writing down his thoughts. It won the Booker Prize in 2005. I enjoyed this a lot but it's not an easy read - I can't really explain why. I had to concentrate a lot more than I usually do for audio books. I think reading this book would be better. (If you do read it, this is quite an interesting discussion - but don't listen to it before, as there are detailed spoilers). My review of Banville's Snow is here. 

Linking with #Bookdate #IMWAYR #SundayPost #Acupofteaandagoodbook #MonthlyBookworms #SundaySalon #StackingtheShelves #TalkaboutitTuesday & #TuesdayTwirl

Cherry Blossom Season

They're here. Popping up all over Sydney. It's a very brief window in Sydney - 2-3 weeks, but so pretty when you see the burst of pink in your neighbourhood.

For me there is a special buzz when I see that first one!

Today I'll pop out to our tree lined street in the 'hood so see if they're in full bloom yet...

Do you have cherry blossom where you are?

Have you seen them in Japan? We were out of the full season but still saw plenty here.

Linking with #FloralFridayFoto #WordlessWednesday  #NaturesNotes

Peace

Anzac Bridge in B&W

Linking with #WordlessWednesday #PictorialTuesday #SundayBest #WeeklyWonder #WeekendReflection and #WeekendinB&W #MySundaySnapshot  #WordlessWednesday

All grown up

This week, the last of my children became an adult. I've no babies left. Except they're all my babies, and always will be, except for now, it's only the mid twenties child that appreciates that. 

I work hard to stay in my lane, and be a parent of adults, which is hard - hard if they're at home and hard when they live on their own and you try not to message all the time in between visits.

It looks like the last two of my kids will move out of home next year, though the youngest to college so back and forth a little. This terrifies me - not for them, how wonderful! For me. What does that mean? A large part of the last 20 years has been focused on them. I've arranged my whole life, my work, my ability to work, my outings, my friendships, trips away, being home, every day has been arranged around them and where they need to be or what they need. Instead of breathing a sigh of relief that it's finally my turn, I see empty rooms yawning, a never ending chorus of silence in the house nagging at me and longing. There will be so much longing. I will miss them. I miss who they were and I miss who they are - I don't see them enough, we don't play together enough like we used to, when they were a little gang of primary school kids. Of course, it's normal, and it is enough for them. They have their own lives now. I know that. I don't want to guilt them the way our parents generation guilted us. I don't want our time spent together to be a hassle or obligation. I want it to be fun, maybe even something they look forward to.

I have written before that our job as parents is to learn to be parents of adults. We have to adjust our expectations of control. We have to love and respect who they are. We have to give them their freedom. That can be harder than it should be.

Especially as for many of us, it is an era over. It is time that we treasured and now grieve. But we shouldn't. Putting together the slide show for the party, I was inundated with so many moments of love and laughter frozen in time. The trio that played together, my permanent entourage, then the inseparable duo, then the lone teen...we had a wonderful life all together, but she's been an only child for awhile now. That family time that I feel has ended this week really started to dissolve many years ago. As it does. As it should.

So maybe it is me that needs to realise I'm all grown up. And that has to be a good thing? 

As I wrote in this post 'a chapter has closed. I need to focus on the excitement of a whole new book awaiting to be opened!'

Linking with #TalkaboutitTuesday #SeniorSalonPitstop #TrafficJamReboot 

The photo is from the Shuji Terayama Memorial Museum in Misawa. Part of the exhibit, you fossick through his desk drawers with a flashlight and discover the treasures and memories from his life and work. His poems refer to his love-hate relationship with his mother, and I hope my kids only have fondness for me, not tainted like his. But I felt the picture was a reflection of my mourning of being a childless mother.

A day in the life...

The last few weeks I've had to drop everything and race across town to look after my mum (often staying overnight at her place or long days/nights in the hospital). So my days have lost all their routine.

The car trip is two and a half hours with traffic round trip, so the only upside is I am getting through my far too long book club book on audible. 

I am cancelling plans and getting more and more stressed about falling behind at work. I don't feel I'll see friends for a long while, and am missing quality time with my patient husband and kids. 

My youngest is in the middle of her HSC trials and her 18th is next week. I am feeling the weight of guilt that I am letting her down, and the stress of how to try and get her party organised. I'm determined not to cancel it, though I have to admit I've probably destroyed her chances of good marks these exams and that is eating at me.

I know it has to be done, but I am feeling stressed, physically exhausted and mentally overwhelmed. I am hoping my sister can start to help out a little, though Mum seems to feel it's easier for me, even though I live further away and have dependants. I guess I have a good game face.

I am struggling because I'm not doing right by anyone else. I feel I'm carrying a weight of things to come, while tripping over all the balls I've dropped in my life.

However, while the hospital care is not ideal (even private doesn't seem to get results, they just want to be get you temporarily well enough to send home - so you return in the middle of the night two days later), I am trying to see joy in the small things when I can. The walk from the car to the hospital gets me out in the warm sun, and the leafy suburb brought the joys of huge cockatoos and the delight of a rabbit. I also saw my first cherry blossom of the season! I managed a quick 3km walk in the setting sun, so while I'm not been getting exercise, I'm trying to get movement when I can, and it can seem even more precious.

I am currently waiting to see if I got booked for speeding in a roadworks zone - so every time the mail comes and there's no ticket (and more importantly, all my points are intact!), I feel a wave of relief & there is unbelievable joy in that...In my defence is was 2.30 am when I drove back from emergency and I drove 40km all the way through the road work to the lead up to the Harbour Bridge but I was sure I saw a sign that said 70km at the start of the bridge so started to speed up when on the bridge. Because I was tired I was driving carefully but I think I was going 55-60km when I saw the flashing 40km lights and slowed down. It was then that I noticed the cop car in my review window.

This morning, on the way home from dropping my kiddo at an exam, my ABC full story podcast mentioned A Sandwich Generation podcast and while I couldn't find the one they said, I discovered there are a lot of them. I listened to this one and it's already made me feel better because she touches on the guilt of not being present for your children and the invisible mental load. I will add more good ones here as I listen to them. This one has advice including 'you only need to be the parent you want to be 50% of the time, and cut yourself some slack'. I don't know if I'll really believe that but it was good to hear.

Linking with #AwwMondays

 #SaturdayCritters #GardenAffair #FloralFridayFoto #TellUsAbout 

 #MuralMondays #MondayMusicMovesYou

It would be remiss to end without mentioning this song. I used to really love it as a kid. Now it seems really bleak and dark. It does however. feel remarkably current with the way the news is now voyeuristically presented online, and the way our feeds can show suffering and death as if it's nothing.

I have to say, this made me laugh - in a 'I feel ya!' vibe. Sometimes the small joys are really small!

Linking this last pic with #MuralMondays

Steal a moment of happiness while you can

My mum is in and out of hospital at the moment - I've been having to stay with her or spend an hour driving to the hospital at all hours, and then an hour back. It's been draining, added to the guilt of not being around enough for my youngest who is in the middle of the HSC trials (second final exams). It's disruptive. I'm cancelling plans and giving away tickets, missing events with friends I'd been looking forward to.

During a stay at her place when she was sent home from hospital, I told mum I was going for a quick walk while the sun was still out.

It felt so good getting my cardio up, stretching my limbs while being warmed by the late afternoon sun.

I looked on google maps and headed to the bush. Alas, I couldn't find a safe way down to a track, so I just got to look at the little creek from above. I felt I couldn't risk falling when she thought I was just going for a walk around the block!

The bird noises, the insects, the running water and the dappled light made me feel a million miles away for a moment. I felt lucky. I felt happy (instead of exhausted and sorry for myself and guilty).

Just for a moment and then it was time to head back. Briefly transformed, but re-energised to make the most of it. For her, and for me.

Sunshine is a welcome thing. It brings a lot of brightness." - Jimmie Davis

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This song was playing as I walked into the bush. It seems a perfectly timed soundtrack for that stolen moment of peace!