Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame can’t survive being spoken. Brene Brown

Trigger warning on Miscarriage. Please consider if this will cause you distress. It's not anything personal nor particular interesting.

The Guardian Full Story had a feature this week called  "Medical misogyny and the government's plan to tackle it". This problem in medicine was also covered in depth in Dr Jen Gunter's The Menopause Manifesto, as a global and historical issue. 

When I was discussing some menopause problems with my GP, he said "I can recommend my colleague [a female GP] for you to see if you want to look at treatments". I pointed out that he was my doctor and I didn't want to have to see anyone else so he better get up to speed. He explained that she had better expertise and understanding. While I admired his honesty in his shortfall in knowledge and perhaps this is an improvement to the brush off women have experienced for years when they seek advice for perfectly natural complaints, I wonder how so many male doctors can historically be the care provider for pregnancy but not menopause? 

I am very late to the party but am listening to Clementine Ford's Fight Like a Girl on Audible. She raises the query as to why we are advised not to tell people we are pregnant before the 12 week mark. If a lot of us will experience miscarriage in that early stage, why expected to go through that on our own? It had never occurred to me before. This concept is putting shame on the miscarriage. A perfectly natural complication is something we 'should' keep secret. Surely this upsetting time is a time when our good friends should rally around and help us through? Not necessarily talking about it, but being there when we need it. Yes, your partner is there for you, and you for them, but they are going through the loss too. They may not be equipped to support you the way you need it while grappling with their own grief. And vice versa. Why, as women, have we gone along with this for centuries. I didn't tell people for 12 weeks, I thought you wouldn't want to have to tell everyone if you miscarried. It is what I'd been told to do. I never questioned it. If you did tell friends, surely in the process of showering you with love in your painful time, one of them would get on the blower and get everyone up to speed. The same way when you lose a parent, everyone gets told, not necessarily by you.

I have daughters, and I have decided I am not passing on this antiquated rule. Should they miscarry, I want them to be supported in the best way possible, not struggling alone. And I certainly don't want them to feel any shame on top of the grief.

I am old and I've had three children. It never occurred to me to question how illogical this 'advice' is. I am not wondering what else I've taken on without thinking. This stuff is wired into us from an early age and we just roll with it. It took me to reach perimenopause before I even realised that is a natural part of life that is shrouded in shame and secrecy. And just like 12 week rule, I don't think it's a good thing. 

However, the tide is shifting. My then primary school daughter talked freely about periods at the dinner table in front of the males. This is a far cry from my teens in a girls boarding school where we skulked around trying to hide the fact we were menstruating from each other every single month (which is ridiculous when I think probably all the girls in the dorm were synced with each other). I am talking openly  about menopause with anyone (should the need arise) regardless of gender, and definitely using the word, instead of those weird 'The big M' or other such nicknames it has. I am embarrassed to say it’s often because I’m astounded at hope little I knew about it as an educated, adult woman (I find it genuinely perplexing)....and I am very glad to see governments are becoming aware of the problem and trying to do something about it. 

This great educator, Mr Pink (well worth following) put this up on twitter. I was perplexed that he was embarrassed by his lack of knowledge when I didn't know anything until I started going through it!

I like this quote but I wish the book had a different title. These medical issues are just natural diversity rather than imperfection. 

“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it- it can't survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.” 

― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection 

Linking wiht #FriendshipFriday