“The very best relationship has a gardener and a flower. The gardener nurtures and the flower blooms.” – Carole Radziwill

Trigger warning on estrangement.

There is a self proclaimed activist on Twitter and I happened to stumble across her post which read 'Feeling heart broken today about being judged, punished and banished by my adult children and grandchildren for the past 5 years [because of my activisim]...I'm standing up for HUMANITY....None of them [Her children] would exist in the form they do without me. The sacrifices mothers make to bring life into the world are sh@t on from a great height' I am keeping it vague and anonymous to protect her but I can't stop thinking about it.

I might be naive, but I can't believe someone would estrange themselves from you just for your political beliefs - they'd tell you to shut up about it when they were around. Or fight with you until you stopped bringing it up in front of them. The only reason they would cut you out of their life is if they or their child is the thing you are protesting against - gay, trans, migrant (I guess it would be one of her kids married a migrant and the grandchild's mother is a migrant). Whatever. If you are that oblivious to your insults, or that insensitive, then you don't deserve to be around them. Full stop.

The only other reason is if there is a litany of wrongs in their upbringing and relationship and either this was the final straw or she can't fathom any wrong doing on her part, and is assuming it's the activism. Given the wording of the post, I suspect this may be the case.

I can not stop thinking about the lack of self awareness. She centres herself - She's heart broken about 'being judged, punished and banished'. She is not heart broken about missing 5 years of her kids lives and not having a relationship with her grandchildren, not getting to know them in their formative years. She feels her kids owe her something for being born and the sacrifices she made for them. Not thinking the kids are her prize or most precious things in her life that made her life better because they were born to her. 

If it was me, I would be moving mountains to mend the relationship - and I know that is not always possible, though no fault of the estranged parent. We only get one version to the story, our own, but the wording in hers is telling. 

My advice to her was to get off twitter and do whatever she could to mend the relationships. I was ignored. But I still keep thinking about her. There's a sad, tragic character in a novel there (who am I kidding, in a short story if I'm writing it).  My kiddo moved out of home at 21, luckily lives nearby. I try to give her space as I resented my parents and in laws making visiting an obligation, and I'd never want my kids to feel that way about time spent with me. So we see each other every few weeks and I try not to text too much in the mean time. And that is hard for me. I miss her so much. But 5 years because they felt I'd done something? I'd be devastated and do anything to try and reverse that or build that bridge.

The worst thing in that tweet, was it wasn't really about the kids at all and the loss of relationship. It was to show how great an activist she was to forsake all else for the cause. But to me, it just seemed very sad and damaged. And honestly, nasty.

 “If you tend to a flower, it will bloom, no matter how many weeds surround it.” – Matshona Dhliwayo

So tend your garden at all times.

Please note, I am not saying in all cases it is the parents fault, nor is it the parents job to pander to the adult children at all times. I'm just saying in this case, the wording and presentation seems to be telling a different story, and I am relating only to that.

Linking with #FloralFridayFoto just for the photos.