Friday 1 July 2022

“The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.” ― H.L. Mencken

Excuse this rambling post, as the setup is long and jumbled, but it's something I'm grappling with in mild horror at the moment. I also want to apologise in advance for the ageism in the question, but it's where I'm at so there's no way to avoid it. I do want to say I am old and okay with getting old except at the idea of what I'm about to explain.

A few week's ago, I went to reply to someone on twitter with a joke, and saw I'd written such an 'Okay Boomer' thing to say, I was horrified. I deleted it before pressing send but it was too late. I took days to get over it. I couldn't believe my instant reaction was to make such a pissy comment*

Then the other night we saw some comedians, who used to be so edgy and extreme. I'd dragged along five friends and was mortified at how bad it was. It wasn't offensive, it just wasn't funny. They seemed old and out of touch - and genuinely unaware of a few things going on in the world. They seemed so conservative and entitled. It was sad and a little pathetic. Some of the audience left (presumably out of boredom) and one of my 5 whispered to my husband "This isn't funny" so it wasn't just my high exectations because I see a lot of comedians.

Returning home that night, I discover Nelson Piquet called Lewis Hamilton the N-word. On tv. Who does that?? Anyway, I felt the FIA and Mercedes statements in solidarity with Lewis weren't much better. They didn't seem to understand that Lewis being a world champion and his work in diversity were irrelevant and even if he was the unpaid intern sweeping the floors of the garage, no one deserves to be called that dehumanising term (nor should the little kid in the stand have to hear it). 

I then posed to an online group I'm in, the question (giving the above examples) and asked "Are we destined to become offensive and irrelevant as we age? Do we become conservative or do we not change and the rest of the world evolves without us?"

The default response from people saying they hate cancel culture only seemed to prove my point. I had specified the comedians didn't say anything offensive so we weren't even talking about cancel culture, unless you consider it cancelling because they were boring.

One friend, older than me pointed out that it's the problem of unwittingly living in a bubble that doesn't evolve as society changes around it and that others avoid getting caught and remain relevant.

Another stated "Offensiveness is not guaranteed, Being a bit less funny over time may be inevitable".

One said 'Our world view shrinks because at "our age" we need less validation, as we've reached the heights we have and therefore have less to try hard for' (I'm still pondering this comment, to be honest. As it's sort of it but sort of living in an antiquated bubble with some arrogance).

A female friend, the only female to answer said sometimes she hears her kids talking and realises how irrelevant any comment she made would be if she tried to join in. I did wonder if women notice this more because we have to grapple with age and our looks - we become invisible due to our appearance so we're more aware of it.  (My husband doesn't think of himself as old, and I know I'm old - but he is older than me).

I ran the whole scenario past my 26 year old Chiro (I'm sure I'm his favorite customer....ha!) and he said I should just wear my irrelevance as an amour and own it, but if I wanted to slow down the process, I should hang out with more Millenials. I pointed out I was having an existential crisis, not completely delusional and I was well aware young people didn't want to hang out with me!

I had lunch with friends who were bemoaning their daughter's nose ring. I pointed out that the world had changed on that and everyone has those now but no one was interested in that point of view. I sat feeling the gulf widen ever so slightly around me.

Is there no avoiding this? Do we just become out of step with the modern world with age? Is there something more to it? Is it living in the echo chamber? Can it be avoided? While I was horrified in myself at the tweet, I'm now terrified I've become Nelson Piquet in some way - maybe not on that slur but some other thing I'm completely oblivious to...(quite possibly in ageism ironically).

So what say you? And please, please, call me out if I ever become Nelson Piquet!


Linking with #TrafficJamWeekend #WeekendCoffeeShare (Apparently this is MY midlife crisis. Not looks. Relevance.)

loopyloulaura


*The person on twitter was saying it was only 2pm and they felt like a drink but they couldn't because they had an evening of one on one meetings with students at high school. I went to say, in jest, 'Have the drink, they're probably all drunk too' then was mortified that's where my brain went even as I typed it.

Interesting, when another friend questioned her relevance a few years back, I couldn't believe it and gave her a big pep talk. Now here I am in exactly the same boat. Perhaps I need to read my own words.



19 comments:

  1. Well, how long have I got? YOU my friend are changing...and you can like it...or ....it. I am quite serious that age does matter, and it affects us. I used to think I was younger than I am in chronological ways but now, I am feeling the effects of physical age (more surgery coming up) and allowing the other aspects of aging to be. Why the fight with yourself? I understand it though because from my distance you have always wanted to be in the centre of the world of fun, entertainment and current thinking. Here's the thing. It changes. We change with it, or at least recognise it, and move on. I had morning tea with my 25 & 23 yo granddaughters recently and the only conversation that we had in common was our memories shared together. I actually don't think, we are meant to stay the same. One more thing, I am glad to be ageing and learning more about it for me, and I am grateful to see Dad's mellowing of his attitude and manner in old age. Why oh why, other than most horrid and obviously offensive words we use to describe people is "aging" one??

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    1. I think you nail it with " Here's the thing. It changes. We change with it, or at least recognise it, and move on." I think maybe recognising it is the best we can do. It's really disturbing me and everyone I question on it either thinks it isn't 'a thing' or thinks I'm being funny. In one way not realising you are a throwback to a previous time might be better, because you are blissfully unaware (until you Nelson Piquet it).

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  2. I also appreciate your considered answer. The last few days have set me off on a tumble dryer of thoughts and everyone just laughs. So any deliberate consideration is appreciated.

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  3. Wow, where to begin...Thank you for your thought-provoking weekend coffee share.

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  4. I found that I've become more careful of what I say, as the years have passed. Kinder. But there is the other side too. We can be regarded as irrelevant, out of touch, dumb, as being a silly old trout. Bloody ageism. It does my head in.

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  5. I honestly don't believe we have to become irrelevant if we open our mind and hearts to new ways of thinking and new experiences. Admit it a lot of us don't stop time when we are 30 yo. On the other hand I have felt my perceived irrelevance of my 19 yo old niece.

    Your post was ver thought-provoking. I want to cogitate on it more, but I hsve to go stretch my spine.

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    1. A friend last night (yes, it really has caused me a lot of angst and I need to workshop it with everyone!) said 'If you have a curious mind and keep being open to ideas that are not how you beleive the world to be, you don't have to become that'.

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    2. Ben Elton does this bit where he says 'I'm now an age where everything I knew to be a fact is wrong'. He used Transpeople as an example. That what he learnt about gender at school, when you think about it, is obviously not actually who gender works. It was interesting. I had that with the planets, when I accidently went to the Observatory on the day Pluto got demoted, and I siad to the guy "So everything I learnt at school was wrong?' and he said "Given your age, probably yes" Hehehehe

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    3. Ben Elton also opened with the line "I bet you're worried I've become that old white guy I used to make fun of" and while he hadn't, everytime I see a comedian who's become like that (including the ones I'm referring to in this post), that line rings in my ears....

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  6. I find it hard to believe we would become irrelevant just because we age. We all change and can choose how much we want to open up to changes in attitudes out there. We don't have to like every change in society and that's ok.. I think this is how we can enrich each other with our differences - younger people can learn from you and vice versa.

    Many ifs and buts in this discussion but I'd say everything is a matter of what we choose to do, what we choose to embrace, how interested we are in being up to date with society, but we still don't have to agree with everything and I only call that critical thinking and life experience, not irrelevance.

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    1. Yes, as I said in the comment above, a friend said curiosity is key - being interested in learning about the world around you and society.

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  7. An excellent, thought-provoking post. I think some of it comes down to humility. Yeah, we've lived awhile and have some life experience and hopefully some wisdom, but we're also products of our time and culture, and that limits us. I try (don't always succeed, but try) to listen to other points of view and maybe even learn from people whose experiences are different from mine. I've definitely had experiences like yours, where friends my age, who I know from experience used to be young and fun, have turned "get off my lawn" level cranky. Sometimes I gently remind them how much we hated it when the old people we knew criticized our music, hair, clothes, and speech. Sometimes I don't bother. But I hope I never live in such a tiny bubble and become so small-minded.

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    1. I do often think we were raised not in ourtime, but in our parents time (because they raised us with their social attitudes) so we're even older than we realise. Yes, the 'get off my lawn' seems to increase with age...

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  8. Hi Lydia - this is a really tricky one for me - I see you as very relevant and very socially engaged and up with all the new "norms". I find I'm lagging in a lot of areas because I'm not comfortable with the direction I see our world heading in. It might make me an anachronism, but I'm okay with that. At the same time I'm a great believer in 'live and let live' - and everyone's entitled to their own opinion - but I'd also like it if they'd stop shoving it down my throat quite so hard at times....

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    1. I am regularly talking F1 to much younger people interested in the sport and I hear myself and have to say "I know that's a total 'mum' thing to say" because I'm sure they're rolling their eyes at my 'take'. So I don't know how up with things I am...but to be honest, I think our generation is responsible for a lot of bad things in society so I do like to see the younger generation try to right our wrongs...(I noticed the Consent woman (Chantal Contos) just got a Royal award today for her push for change in relation to consent laws).

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  9. The cliche is that we get more conservative as we get older but I'm finding it to be much the opposite. Maybe as the country seems to be leaning more and more right I'm going in the opposite direction just to be contrary. That would make a certain amount of sense I guess

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    1. In one way I am much more open-minded than I was in my teens (I went to a private school and had a very middle-class upbringing and I think that led to a microscopic worldview due to limited life experiences - and meeting people with only similar experiences). But the older I got, the more my circle expanded so I think I've evolved a lot since then. That said, I'm probably still a throwback on so many things....

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    2. I'm sure that plays a part. I grew up in a very small, very white town in Connecticut. I haven't left the state but I like to think I've expanded my world view a bit.

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