Don't throw out my lego

I was at the post office and in the queue I saw this. I was struck with a sadness that I had no little people to give them to. I spent a good decade watching Blue's Clues on video. And yes, I mean on video. My eldest got them when they came out but we didn't move on with Joe and the other presenters. When Steve went to college, we just stayed with the videos & DVDs that we had. We had the toys and all sorts of learning games. Each new baby would grow into them. As a result, I have a lot of fondness and nostalgia wrapped up in them as one kiddo has moved out and one is on the way. As a parent, you realise you have these precious moments that weren't precious at all at the time, but become so special in hindsight. I pointed the toys out to the adult child with me who just sort of shrugged and looked at me as if humoring my  'having a moment'. Evidently the memories weren't as special to him as they've become for me.

The high schooler in our house is very much an only child now.  While I'm very happy for the one that's moved out, I work to make time for the five of us to get together. It makes me so happy. The travel holidays are now just the three of us as the two adult kids are busy, but I'm thrilled to have a 2 night local getaway booked at Christmas with the whole family. I'm more excited about that than the overseas trip I'm booking in January!

My eldest had mentioned after a year of living out, she might come home when her lease is up so they could save some money before moving to a different place. I was so excited but tried to contain it, calmly saying 'whatever you need to do, there's always a room for you here'. However, that still seems to be a plan in motion. I think her partner is struggling with the rent but my child is not.  I'm not sure it's going to occur, as they are now 'figuring it out'. I'd love to have my house full again - in lockdown we were 6 (her partner moved in) so we had 2 extra years of their childhood so to speak. I shouldn't be greedy. At AJR, they sang this song, which I'd not heard before and it really tapped into my feelings. I said to my friend 'I know it's not their point, but this song means something totally different to me as the parent of a kid who has moved out'. What's anxiety and failure to one person, is a joyful gift to the mother now watching in the distance.

I was with a friend whose adult kids haven't moved out yet, and their family is going to Canada for a skiing holiday and then going their separate ways to different parts of the States with friends while she visits a cousin in Canada. Her eldest changed their plan and said "I might come with you' and my friend said no. She told me she wanted a break and some time to herself. I think that's the difference. Once they move out, you'd do anything to be with them. It's a luxury. I would have relished the opportunity!

Motherhood is weird. I am watching friends discover it's just them and their husband left in the house, even if the adult kids are living at home, they're rarely there. One said "We have to be friends now and do stuff together". Another said to me "So is this it now? What am I meant to do?" and another, who never really asked me to do stuff is now inviting me to plays and we are going to the theatre with an unprecedented frequency. I think this empty nest stuff is tough on women. We invest time and energy into our family life, but then to be a good mother, we also have to stand back and let them flourish on their own. I wrote about the strange emptiness in the house (in the family?) when she moved out. We've adjusted but the excitement and happiness I get when we're all together is indescribable. 

I left for college at 18 and never really moved back. It was such a formative and fun time for me, and I have to wish that for my kids. The child of a friend from College was going interstate to live on campus and she rang me saying "I've been telling everyone for months how great it will be for him and now I don't want him to go".  I pointed out it will be great for him, he'll love it but it won't be great for her & to remember she's the only one in the scenario feeling a loss, so be mindful not to taint his enjoyment. I reminded her it probably wasn't great for her parents when she did exactly the same thing. But that's the gift we give them, these loves of our lives. We give our life and soul until they don't need it, only there for when they want it. Erma Bombeck described mothers perfectly when she said "they’ve gone from supervisor of a child’s life to a spectator. " My friend has booked some grand prix OS holidays because she knows, just as she did, you start to find reasons you can't come home in the holidays when you're having too much fun on campus....it's all part of growing up. It's the part we don't discuss. We parents also continue to grow up, into a different sort of parenting....but we can be a bit sneaky too, in order to lure our families into being whole again, even if just briefly. 

So I will continue to celebrate the 'party of 5' when I get the chance, but keep working on celebrating their moving on as well. I don't want to be the parent that guilts their child into coming home for a visit. So I bite my tongue more often than not because I know my eldest would feel bad if she knew how much I'd love her back home.

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” —Ann Landers

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